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| Virtually Real News |
| 04.11.05 (6:57 pm) [edit] |
[u]Goose Missing, Men Vow Revenge[/u]
[i]Lexington, MA[/i] – Some three weeks ago, the residents of 309 Marrett Rd. were surprised to discover that their prized lawn ornament goose had disappeared without a trace. Assuming that they had been the victims of a malicious act of thievery, the men brought the incident to the attention of the local constabulary, only to be brusquely turned out with not one word of encouragement after filing their report. With no progress from the police since the time of the initial visit and no serious replies to their offer of a beer-flavored reward for the safe return of the goose, the men of 309 Marrett Rd. have decided to take things into their own hands.
At a press conference held earlier today, Stefano “Steve” Mineo announced the change in strategy as the unofficial spokesperson of the household known for its zany lifestyle and associations with Neil Diamond and various Latino firefighters. “Hey, we just want our goose back. If it’s on our doorstep tomorrow, everybody wins, no questions asked. But to whoever committed this heinous act, know that this is your last chance: return the goose peacefully, or we will find you and we will rain down almighty vengeance upon you.”
Mineo revealed that the self-proclaimed “Marrett Men” have narrowed their search down to a few suspects, but in the interest of maintaining the integrity of the ongoing case, he would not elaborate further. Another member of the household, however, did.
Brett “Siggy” Sigworth, in return for a bribe of some small trinkets and baubles, told this reporter that, while the initial suspect was David “Darilla” Parillo – himself a member of the house, known for his penchant for borrowing things and also for his tendency to forget that he had borrowed things – the Marrett Men have since turned their attention to their erstwhile friends known simply as “Elko.”
Elko, so named for the street on which they live, consists of Matthew “Koz” Koskowski, Nathan “Rellish” Kellish, James “Bengis” Wexler and Julia “Ju” Elder. Elko have maintained their innocence since they first found out about the tragedy, issuing numerous appeals for the Marrett Men to listen to reason. These have come to little avail, however, and have in fact only elevated suspicions.
“Oh, it was definitely Elko,” said Marrett Man Chris “Beaver” Goscinski, echoing the sentiments of Sigworth after the conference. “And those bastards are going to get it. We’ve got plans, just you wait.”
None of the housemates would give away any details as to what those plans might be. The closest anyone came was during Tim “Toolman” Trainor’s brief insane screams at the microphone, channeling what appeared to be dialogue from an old Ren and Stimpy cartoon:
“We Louts are angry! We are [i]sore[/i]! Matt Koz and Wexler cheated! Next time we see you guys, it’ll be in the street! We’ll break your bones. We’ll grind you into putty. We’ll tear your faces off! You haven’t heard the last of us. This is war! We are generals, you are the enemy! Beware Matt Koz! Beware Kellish! We know where you live, we know where your parents live! We will have our [i]revenge[/i]!!”
As those around him attempted to subdue Trainor, he grew more animated and began to gesticulate wildly, continuing, “No! I wanna holler the loud, funny words! I like Darren, he is my friend! I like you, [i]and[/i] him! He likes me! And I like him! He likes you! [i]IHOP[/i]!! I like his autograph! It is a nice picture! He is [i]NICE[/i]!!” Once calm had returned to the room again, Trainer gave only the cryptic explanation, “I’m a wooden boy,” before leaving the podium.
Following Trainor’s bizarre outburst, the remaining residents of 309 Marrett Rd. – excepting David “Kahn” Kahn who was away vacationing in Maine and unavailable for comment – each said a few words expressing their hopes for the safety of the goose and their wishes for its speedy return.
In a final, heartfelt plea for mercy, Parillo took the podium carrying a hollow, plastic penguin. “Whoever did this,” he said, his words ringing clear into the Lexington morning. “I beseech you. Look into the eyes of this penguin and feel the sorrow that he feels. You know as well as we do that a Beaver is no partner for a penguin. A penguin needs a goose. Reach deep inside your heart and find the warmth that rests there; bring this penguin back his goose. Please.”
Only time will tell what becomes of the poor goose. If you have any information pertaining to its whereabouts, please contact the Marrett Men or the Lexington Police Department as soon as is humanly possible.
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