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| Fakir News |
| 04.04.05 (5:28 pm) [edit] |
[u]Scientists: “Famous People Die Too”[/u]
[i]Baltimore, MD[/i] – Scientists wearing glasses and lab coats at the Center on Aging and Health at Johns Hopkins University announced today that they have proven that, no matter the level of celebrity a person has attained, famous people die too. “This is a sad day for famous people everywhere,” said one researcher who is not famous. “But the truth must be told. We hope that these data will help all famous people cope with the struggle that they now know lays before them.”
The research staff acknowledged that recent events emphasizing human mortality played a large part in the findings. The recent rash of deaths of famous and very-famous people such as ex-president Ronald Reagan, comedian Mitch Hedberg, and Pope John Paul II provided important support to the hypothesis.
While the scientists had a wealth of information to cull from the daily obituaries, TV news magazines, and supermarket tabloids, the case that put the final nail in the coffin was the death of someone who began her journey into the hereafter as a not very famous person at all: Terry Schiavo.
“The Schiavo case,” one researcher remarked, “presented an amazing confluence of events. It was an instance in which a woman was not only stuck between life and death, but one which pitted opposing sides, actively pushing her towards either end, against each other. And then things really heated up when Congress and the media got involved. It was at that point that Terry Schiavo became a legitimately famous person.” Monitoring events closely, the research team was able to put together the closing arguments of their thesis based on Terry Schiavo’s fate.
“Just look at the situation: a woman achieves fame through the battle over her continuing survival. Now, if it was true that famous people do [i]not[/i] die, the end result would have been the re-insertion and continued use of her feeding tube, thus prolonging her life nigh indefinitely. Today we know that even fame was not enough to help her outrun death, nor would it be for anyone. These are facts that we scientists can no longer dispute.”
The research presented strikes a resounding blow in a debate that has long raged in the scientific community. “There’s string theory, nature/nurture, and then famous people,” one scientist explained. “Specifically, are famous people better than non-famous people? And if so, how much better are they?” He went on to add with a little grin that was so smug – ooh you can just tell he’s so jealous – “With research like this, we’re beginning to blur the line between fame and obscurity.”
The current research will appear in an upcoming edition of the journal [i]Star Magazine[/i], but the team does not plan on stopping there. In an attempt to further examine the effects of fame on reality, the researchers will next ponder the age-old question: do famous people actually get fat?
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