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| If Only The News Were So Fake |
| 03.17.05 (6:37 pm) [edit] |
[u]President Promises Aid to Alaska’s Wildlife[/u]
[i]Washington, D.C.[/i] – The Senate earlier this week, by a 51-49 vote, passed a provision to the nation’s budget proposal that will allow industry to explore the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge as a potential source for oil. At a press conference afterwards, President Bush lauded the vote as an important step toward both American energy independence and also the democratization of Alaska’s wildlife.
The public has long been aware of the President’s enthusiasm for this project as a means to enhance U.S. standing in relation to other oil-producing nations such as Russia and the members of OPEC. The second of the Presidents assertions, that increased oil production would “free indigenous Alaskans from a tyrannical regime” took the media in attendance by surprise and was, therefore, the focus of most of the briefing. The President spent some time elaborating on his comments, but noted that an official White House release would be forthcoming.
“For too long has Alaska been America’s bastard son, ignored in the cold wastes of the north, left to fend for itself. Today we press forward on the path of the legitimization of our largest state. The many tribes of the Alaskan refuge have long needed a powerful symbol to gather around, to give them a sense of community, a sense of purpose. I say to you, oil will be that symbol.
“The oil that will be extruded from beneath Alaskan soil – we’re talking up to 1 million barrels a day, people. That’s a lot of trips to Wal-Mart and back. This oil will be a beacon, a light to guide Alaska and America into the future.”
The President continued by outlining potential benefits to the state and country including an extensive profit-sharing plan that would involve, not only the Alaskan citizenry, but also the Alaskan wildlife itself.
“Thanks to their great sacrifice, the many inhabitants of the Alaskan Wildlife Refuge will all enjoy discounted gas prices for as long as they should choose to make their homes in the confines of the reserve. This includes fuel for the park rangers to travel across the many miles of the refuge, managing and protecting it. It includes the population of mighty beaver who will now be able to forego the destruction of their teeth and instead use gas-powered chainsaws in the construction of their majestic dams. And don’t forget the powerful grizzly bears. Their humorous miniature cars have been on blocks for too long. With the new supply of oil, they can afford to put those cars back on the road and drive them to the tune of whatever circus-themed song they choose. Yes, all will reap the vast benefits of this program.”
The President went on like this for some forty-five minutes, promising ends to the plights of “disenfranchised caribou and disillusioned wolverines.” His ambitious plan also includes tax revenues which will be collected from sales of the Alaskan oil and funneled back into local economies to fund public works and “to bring schools of salmon up to speed on ‘No Child Left Behind.’” The design for the commemorative Alaska quarter was also revealed as picturing an arctic hare giving the thumbs up sign while posing among a field of oil wells.
The President also commented that, though the process of restructuring the Alaskan Refuge is “a process,” and as such it will take some time for these plans to come to fruition, once in full effect they will offer the Alaskan populace a sense of unity that they never experienced under the former, oil-less regime.
When a reporter for the [i]Los Angeles Times[/i] pointed out that the wildlife in question may not enjoy the described benefits as thoroughly as the President asserted they would, President Bush replied, “Listen, Jerry. Why don’t you go try to gnaw down one of those trees on the White House lawn and we’ll see how long it is before you’re gassing up [i]your[/i] chainsaw.” The press conference was concluded after the laughter had died down and the reporters had forgotten what the question was.
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