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| Return of Fake News |
| 03.09.05 (6:39 pm) [edit] |
[u]Trial Begins in Sexual Misconduct Case[/u]
[i]Los Angeles, CA[/i] – Trial proceedings began this afternoon in the case against inveterate womanizer Pepe Le Pew for his actions on February 14th, 2005. Le Pew, known primarily for his lengthy career with the Warner Brothers cartoon studios, has pled not guilty to the charge of aggravated sexual assault laid against him by the state of California.
According to the state, Mr. Le Pew made repeated and unwelcome overtures of a sexual nature, both verbal and physical, toward Ms. Mimi Le Mew on the night in question using a variety of disguises and languages. Assistant District Attorney Donald Glazer summarized Le Pew’s actions in his opening statement today describing them as, “offensive, lewd and aggressive to the point of reducing Ms. Le Mew to the quivering, traumatized woman you see before you today.”
Legal rhetoric aside, Le Pew allegedly stalked Ms. Le Mew for six hours as she tried to evade his advances by hiding in trees, barrels and abandoned railway tunnels. Their brief encounters, according to Ms. Le Mew, amounted to “thousands of burning kisses on my face and arms and egregious and painful heinie pinching,” all while Ms. Le Mew fought “tooth and nail” to escape Le Pew’s constricting grasp.
Le Pew will be defending himself – he received a law degree from Le Sorbonne before emigrating from France in the 1940’s. He used his opening statement to lay the groundwork of a defense that appears to consist of little more than arguing that he is a “lusty Frenchman” and should therefore be excused. What seems at first glance to be a trifling strategy may in fact have precedent on its side. In [i]California v. Coyote[/i] (1989), one Wile E. Coyote was acquitted of 2nd degree murder charges following a killing spree that left 37 roadrunners ([i]Tastius Treatius[/i]) dead in its wake. Because of Coyote’s feral background and culture, the jury exonerated him. Although the case has held up staunchly against appeal since it was first tried, Coyote’s defense also contained a heavy mental illness component (as a young man, he was tormented for years by a sociopathic road runner), a point which A.D.A. Glazer will be loath to overlook.
Thus far, Le Pew’s defense appears to be holding up: his amorous advances appear to know no bounds. During the morning’s proceedings, Mr. Le Pew openly propositioned Barbara the court stenographer, Jerry the bailiff, and jurors numbers 4, 7 and 9. If Le Pew’s primary strategy does fail, however, he may well be able to fall back on another, more natural defense. As the defendant is a skunk, he emits a powerful, noxious odor at all times. This odor became strong enough during the trial’s first day to force the judge to call seven separate recesses. If a permanent solution to this problem is not found (flowers wilt in its presence and gas masks are too cumbersome), a mistrial may have to be declared.
Should Le Pew’s efforts be thwarted, he will likely face some jail time as well as forced registration with the sex offender registry. More harmful to Le Pew personally, though, would be the stain on his honor, for as he commented in his opening statements this morning, “A man weethout honor, he eez nothing.”
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