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| Once again, Fake News |
| 11.11.04 (5:22 pm) [edit] |
[u]Blogger’s Unannounced Absence Greeted With Silent Outrage[/u]
[i]Boston, MA[/i] – Matthew Koskowski (23) of Boston Massachusetts recently returned to his post as unofficial fake news correspondent for the metro area after an unannounced sabbatical lasting nearly two months. During this time, which Koskowski used to brush up on his yo-yo/juggling skills and teach himself macramé, his legions of readers let forth an outraged, but silent, call against his absence.
“I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize for my callous selfishness during these hard times,” Koskowski said in a statement released Tuesday. “You, the public, needed a mediocre source of fake news, and I left you swaying in the breeze like so many hanged men and women. Your voices choked with rage, and possibly tuna fish, you sent out a voiceless wail, and I am here now to let you know that I heard your anti-vociferous scream of silence: I’m back.”
The “author” classifies this apparent inaction as an example of civil disobedience in the same vein as the landmark Birmingham bus boycotts of the 1960s. While he was away, Koskowski noted that he received less than five total requests for a return to his fake news [we]blog. “Well, call it one,” he added. “Obviously the message was clear.”
That message, according to Koskowski, was “Come back now, you’re doting public needs you.” Anonymous sources, however, assert that a somewhat different message was intended by the lack of a public outcry.
“To tell the truth,” said one less than devoted reader, “I’d forgotten he was still writing the thing. I think I stopped reading somewhere around the reality TV article. I wouldn’t have known that he’d stopped updating the page except you just told me.”
In the words of another of Koskowski’s so-called fans, “Who’s writing what now?”
Nevertheless, Koskowski remains resolute in his return to the arena of public discourse and plans to release what he assures nervous investors will be a “critically acclaimed, blockbuster compilation of [his] articles” in the near future. “Never again will my adoring ‘Koz-heads’ go without semi-clever turns of phrase, half-smirk-inducing puns, or moderately laughable fictitious situations. Your complaints have been heard in all of their resounding muteness, and I can do naught but obey.”
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posted by: captainshifty (reply)
post date: 11.13.04 (6:25 pm)
holy crap, this is good stuff. I thought the only people around here were 14 year olds and middleaged women talking about people I don't know or care about.
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