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| So Close To Being Real News |
| 09.22.04 (5:19 pm) [edit] |
[u]“Bam-Bang” Wrestles His Way To The Top[/u]
[i]Jakarta, Indonesia[/i] – The former General Susilo Bambang “The Bam-Bang Kid” Yudhoyono and incumbent President Megawati “Mega-Watt!” Sukarnoputri faced off in a no-holds-barred, Texas-style cage match Monday night. On the line was nothing less than the title of President of Indonesia. In a bout that lasted over 3 hours, during which both opponents struggled valiantly and heroically, it was the Bam-Bang Kid who finally grappled his way to the top of the cage to claim the presidential belt.
It was a fight that the candidates had been all but foaming at the mouth to have. Strained relations between the two date back to Bam-Bang’s involvement in the militaristic “Strong-Rule” regime headed by then title-holder Suharto whose tenure was marked by dictatorial restrictions on personal freedoms and the spilling of copious amounts of innocent blood. Eventually, when Suharto finally stepped down in the face of a coup and relinquished his title as Undisputed President, a civil administration was formed by Suharto’s arch-nemesis “The Mighty Sukarno,” Mega-Watt!’s father.
Mega-Watt! and Bam-Bang appeared to have put their differences behind them, however, when Bam-Bang accepted a position in Mega-Watt!’s coalition of politicos, known simply as “The Coalition.” During his brief stint with The Coalition, the Bam-Bang Kid (who went by the moniker “The Security Minister” at the time) seemingly forged a deep alliance with Mega-Watt! and the two battled successfully in many pivotal tag-team matches.
But, in a shocking move, the Bam-Bang Kid split from The Coalition early last spring to begin a soulful, lone-wolf quest to reach the apex of Indonesian civil service, leaving his ex-partner incensed. Harold Crouch, an impartial Australian who announced the match, commented that, “ever since Bam-Bang went off on his own to train in the shadow of [the volcano] Mount Merapi, Mega-Watt! has just been itching to get him back in the ring and teach him a lesson.”
As the match started, Mega-Watt! looked like she was going to make the most of her opportunity, catching Bam-Bang off guard the moment the bell rang with a quick haymaker followed by a reverse suplex that left her opponent writhing on the mat. But after a missed body slam from the top rope, Mega-Watt! had lost her opening advantage.
After the opening salvo, the match raged back and forth, neither wrestler appearing to be able to completely crack the other’s defenses. A dizzying spin-throw to the ropes by Mega-Watt! was quickly countered by a clothesline from the returning Bam-Bang Kid; a volley of head-slams to the turnbuckle by Bam-Bang was nullified by a reverse head butt and figure-four leg lock combination from Mega-Watt!.
The turning point came in the 2nd hour of the fight, after both Mega-Watt! and the Bam-Bang Kid had unsuccessfully attempted their special finishing moves (the Sukarno Stomp and the Bam-Bam-Bang-Bang Body Slam respectively). It was at this point that, while both the referee and Mega-Watt! were distracted by rowdy fans, a Mysterious Masked Man slipped a metal folding chair into the cage and the Bam-Bang Kid proceeded to pummel Mega-Watt! about the head and back with the illicit weapon. After that turn of events, Mega-Watt!, sluggish and drained, was unable to mount any further significant attacks. Some thirty-six minutes later, the Bam-Bang Kid executed his Bam-Bam-Bang-Bang Body Slam leaving Mega-Watt! unconscious on the canvas as he captured the Presidency.
Although the Bam-Bang Kid was declared the winner of the election, the results are still unofficial pending the judgment of a complaint filed by Mega-Watt!. It is her camp’s contention that Bam-Bang and the Mysterious Masked Man were working in tandem – in direct opposition to the “One Man Only” clause of the match contract – and that the Bam-Bang Kid should, therefore, be stripped of his title. Many are also speculating that the Mysterious Masked Man is none other than Suharto himself, poised for a comeback of his own. These allegations, however enticing and dramatic, are as yet unverified. For the time being, the Bam-Bang Kid remains the unofficial President of Indonesia, at least until his first title defense during the Indonesian Iron Island Challenge pay-per-view event scheduled for October 24th.
[i]Related Stories: [u]Vince McMahon Proposes Merger of WWE and Republic of Indonesia[/u][/i]
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