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| Fake News, the Sequel |
| 09.15.04 (4:42 pm) [edit] |
[u]Florida to Hurricanes: “Listen, we really don’t need this shit right now, ok?”[/u]
[i]Florida, U.S.[/i] – Sources report overhearing a heated conversation between the state of Florida, hurricanes Charley, Frances, and Ivan, and tropical storm Jeanne Tuesday. The meeting took place at a local Outback Steakhouse and, although topics ranged from sports, to politics, to grandchildren, discussion revolved mainly around the weather. The conversation became so raucous that the party had to be asked several times to, “Please keep your voices down,” having already disturbed the dining experiences of many of the restaurant’s other customers.
“It was hard not to overhear, really,” said James Halliwell, a patron at the time of the incident. “My wife and I were enjoying our steaks and Fair Dinkum Daquiris when suddenly there was a thunderous outburst from the booth next to us. Someone was yelling something along the lines of, ‘You were asking for it, you little bitch. If you don’t want to get hit, don’t stick your neck out next time.’ We tried to ignore it, but in the end, the atmosphere was so volatile that we had to skip dessert and just leave. I was really looking forward to that Chocolate Thunder from Down Under, too.”
After exchanging pleasantries and putting in an order for a “Bloomin’ Onion,” the Outback’s signature appetizer, Florida and the meteorological phenomena apparently set directly to arguing. According to their server, Sally Mills (26), “Florida just got right up in their faces, and was like, ‘Listen, We really don’t need this shit right now, ok?’ Charley and Frances just sat there playing dumb, like they didn’t know what Florida was talking about, you know? But then Ivan starts kind of laughing a little, like he couldn’t hold it in anymore. That’s when Florida really lost it.”
“Oh, fuck you, Ivan,” the state allegedly responded. “As if We don’t have enough problems with trying to deal with voting scandal after voting scandal, this bizarre Terry Schaivo lawsuit, and Ricky Williams just completely dicking Us over, now we’ve got you bastards riding up Our ass? I mean, come on. Go screw with the Carolinas, they’ve got plenty of free time.”
Florida was referring to the recent pummeling it has taken at the hands of hurricanes Charley and Frances. The damages, physical, economical, and emotional, have been extensive and severe for Florida’s residents, and wave after wave of hurricane attack has all but crippled the state’s ability to serve as a Mecca for (inter)national tourists and the elderly alike.
Mills reported that the debate raged all through the group’s dinner. “Even when I came back to bus some of the plates, they were still going at it. Florida said, ‘And don’t think We don’t see you hovering over there in Puerto Rico just waiting to get up to hurricane status, Jeanne. We know what you’re up to, and you’d better just forget it, right?’ And then Jeanne was all, ‘Oh yeah? Or what, Florida? I’m a tropical storm, what could you possibly do to me?’”
At that point, Florida stormed out of the restaurant, possibly in tears, while Frances, Ivan, Jeanne, and Charley gave each other high fives and finished their entrees. Frances reportedly picked up the tab but left only a 12% tip.
“Man, those hurricanes sure were douchebags,” said Mills. “I felt bad for Florida, I really did, but there’s not much you can do. You try to stand up to them and BAM! They tear the roof off your house.” Mills suggested later that, perhaps if Florida ignores the hurricanes for long enough they may get bored and start bullying a different geographic region.
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