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| Rake News |
| 08.31.04 (7:09 pm) [edit] |
[u]Athlete Fails to Capture Hearts of Nation[/u]
[i]Athens, Greece[/i] – At this year’s Olympic games, the only athlete from the U.S. canoe/kayak delegation to come home with a medal was Rebecca Giddens (27) who claimed silver in the single slalom event of the women’s whitewater kayaking competition. As singular as this achievement was, however, it has not been enough to gain her the countless sponsorships and photo layouts which many athletes enter into the games dreaming of, nor will she earn a mediocre recording career or, most disappointing of all, the hearts of a grateful nation.
Giddens is a former world champion (2002) in the event who lives and trains in San Diego, CA with her husband and coach Eric Giddens. In her race, Giddens rose from fourth place to first before an excellent performance by Elena Koliska of Slovenia dropped her into second. Although Giddens held her head high with pride at the medals ceremony, the sub-championship-caliber performance caused many corporate entities and their advertising firms to turn their heads in shame and disgust.
“I’m afraid that this performance is just not of the quality that [we] want representing ourself],” said Wendy’s Old Fashioned Hamburgers after the final standings were posted.
“You’ve got to understand,” said a commiserative Wheaties, Breakfast of Champions. “In the high-pressure world of breakfast cereal marketing, second place just doesn’t cut it. After all, everyone knows you don’t win silver: you lose gold. People don’t want to have a loser staring back at them as they’re consuming this balanced breakfast of orange juice, grapefruit half and delicious bowl of wheat flavored breakfast flakes.”
The sentiments of these soulless corporations were, unfortunately, corroborated in numerous “man-in-the-street” style interviews that spanned the hours following Giddens’ silver-medal performance.
“I’m sorry, who?” was the standard response from U.S. citizens when asked if they knew about Rebecca Giddens’ accomplishment. Further responses of, “Oh, ok,” and, “Wait, kayaking is an Olympic sport now?” when interviewees were apprised of her success also confirmed the unimpressed attitude most of her fellow Americans have taken towards Giddens.
Long-time Olympic heroism analyst, Jimmy Roberts sympathized with Giddens’ uphill battle for national recognition. “I commend her efforts, but you see, in a sport like kayaking, even a gold medal would likely have not been enough to win over the hard-hearted American public. She probably would have just barely eked out preliminary rounds of three-meter springboard for a prime time slot for her final race. No, with sports that nobody cares about like curling, pentathlon, crew and kayaking, athletes really need to take their lives to the next level if they want to have any hopes for a place in the collective heart of the United States.”
Roberts went on to explain that the reasoning behind America’s lack of exuberance for Rebecca Giddens was not only, “One part ‘obscure sportism,’” but also, “one part ‘not-quite-thereness’ and, most likely, one part ‘bland characterization.’” Roberts qualified his analysis saying that, as he had not heard of Mrs. Giddens previous to this interview, he could not, therefore, accurately ascertain her personal qualities, whether they be ebullient or flat. He did note, however, that the chances of an uninteresting character being part of the equation were, “eighty-five, eighty-seven percent.”
Roberts also offered hope for Giddens’ future. “If she’s looking to compete in [the 2008 Olympic games in] Beijing, she might consider contracting some debilitating illness or injury during the off years. If she could overcome that and go on to win gold, she would have a real shot at a credit card or investment firm commercial, or even a role on a celebrity-themed reality TV show.”
For now, it is unclear what strategy, if any, Giddens will take for the 2008 games, as she was not available at the time of this filing to comment on either her silver medal or any of the remarkable six gold medals and two bronze medals that 19 year-old swimming phenom Michael Phelps earned in Athens.
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