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| Flake News |
| 08.04.04 (6:39 pm) [edit] |
[u]Bush Campaign in Full Swing[/u]
[i]Washington, D.C.[/i] - With the Democratic National Convention behind them and the Republican National Convention only a few weeks away, the presumptive Republican ticket of George W. Bush and Dick Cheney has gotten into full swing for the campaign season. Among their many weapons which include the biggest war chest in campaign history, a slew of advertisements both positive and negative, and the most recent additions of Barbara and Jenna Bush, the President’s hip young daughters, perhaps their most potent armament is the “Bush Machine” itself.
Contrary to popular belief, the Bush Machine – or “Georgie Boy” as it’s affectionately known in the White House – is not just a clever metaphor, but is in fact a real machine. The device is an automaton which can serve as an effective stand-in for the real President Bush when important campaign rallies call him away from the often mundane work of running the most powerful nation in the history of the world.
Karl Rove, chief political strategist for the Bush administration, has expressed most emphatically how critical the role is that Georgie Boy has played, and will continue to play, in the Bush administration. “That sumvabitch [[i]sic[/i]] robot done saved us I don’t know how many times. An’ you gotta see that bastard out on the campaign trail. Nothin’ spells political smorgasbord like two $2500-a-plate fundraising dinners in the same night. Got-dayum [[i]sic[/i]]!”
Development of Georgie Boy began even before the President took office as a project run by the Halliburton subsidiary Brown & Root. Once in office, however, the administration handed the project over to NASA in order to speed progress on this all-important piece of political equipment. A fully-operational prototype was completed by the time of Mr. Bush’s first State of the Union address and beta testing began soon afterwards.
Over the last three years, Georgie Boy has been utilized in a multitude of situations: from boring state dinners at which little to no barbecue was served, to explaining Vice President Cheney’s safe-holding at an undisclosed location during times of national crisis. The most customary use of the android, however, can be seen most days during Mr. Bush’s 2-4 p.m. nap time. The machine has also proved invaluable in these times of international uncertainty.
“Save for fundraising events, at which the presence of the real President Bush is necessary to accurately portray his trademark and inimitable everyman-ness, the Bush Machine takes the place of the President in almost all public-speaking engagements these days,” explained National Security Adviser Condaleeza Rice. “It’s simply far too dangerous in the current atmosphere to have the President actually attending all of his own events. Perhaps when the national alert status returns to the safer marigold level. Luckily, we’ve been utilizing Georgie Boy for such a long time now that very few people actually seem to be able to tell the difference anymore.”
“Honestly, I don’t even know if I’m talking to the person or the robot half the time,” said Secretary of State Colin Powell. “It’s just an incredible likeness. I mean, sure, occasionally the thing slips up. Yesterday, for instance, we were having a discussion about the genocide taking place in Sudan and the thing just started spouting off this incredibly apt passage from Hegel’s [i]Philosophy of Right[/i]. We were all shocked for a second until we realized it was just Georgie boy. Dick [Cheney] was in the room and he was even taken aback. Sure, he tried to cover it up, but you could tell.”
“I guess our scientists are maybe a little [i]too[/i] smart,” said Powell.
President Bush is currently on the campaign trail, making a swing through the Midwest. Georgie Boy can be found warming seats, signing bills, and touting the advantages of a free-market based governmental health care system over the classic, “bureaucratic morass of inefficient, Marxist, left-wing programs. Let me tell you something about the opportunity costs of Socialism...”
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