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| Real News? |
| 07.28.04 (6:43 pm) [edit] |
[u]Presidential Nomination Generates Excitement[/u]
[i]Boston, MA[/i] – The official nomination of Senator John Kerry (D-MA) as the Democratic candidate for the Presidency has generated intense excitement in the Kerry camp, in the Democratic National Committee (DNC) as a whole, and also in the media. The pervasive, gleeful attitude stems from the fact that Kerry will no longer need be referred to as the “presumptive” candidate. The change in title could prove the deciding factor in the outcome of a very close Presidential race.
“This couldn’t be more of a boon for us,” said Mary Beth Cahill, Kerry’s campaign manager. “That one word has been hanging over us like a black shroud of death, threatening to suffocate us all. Just listen to it: presumptive. It sounds like some kind of disease, and I’ve been in politics long enough to know that no one’s going to vote for a disease.”
The word does not, in fact, refer to virology or bacteriological strains of illness. From the Latin [i]praesumere[/i] meaning “to anticipate,” “presumptive” merely pointed to Kerry’s unofficial, albeit incontrovertible, status as the Democratic candidate for President until such time as the delegates of the Democratic National Convention conferred the official honor upon him.
Benign as the word may be, Cahill is not the only member of team Kerry whose hopes have risen with the drop of the qualifier. Sources report that even grassroots coordinators are, “thrilled,” “enraptured,” and “cautiously optimistic” about the transformation. One anonymous member even went so far as to say that the candidate’s entire strategy hinged upon the loss of the word. “Remember,” she said. “No presumptive candidate has ever won the White House.”
The buzz has even affected the normally sober news media. When Carl Kasell, announcer for NPR’s morning news program [i]Morning Edition[/i], was apprised of the news, he let out a resounding yell and nearly fell to the ground in hysterics. “You have no idea how hard this has been on me,” he said once he had regained his composure. “It was absolute torture for my thick, sonorous baritone. And the number of times it caught in my throat…I nearly choked to death one morning on that merciless word. Finally, my wife can sleep soundly again.”
CNN’s Wolf Blitzer also expressed relief. “Fantastic,” he said to long-time confidant Larry King, unaware of eavesdroppers. “Now we can stop avoiding Kerry stories. I was starting to get nauseous spending so much time reporting on [Vice President] Cheney. The way he just plows through those pig’s knuckles…God!”
On the other side of this pitched political battle, members of the Bush-Cheney campaign are dismayed about the boost the turn of events has given the Kerry-Edwards ticket in the polls. They vow, however, to remain steadfast in the face of this new adversity. “The President is still confident that he represents the best hopes the country has for prospering in the next four years, And he is confident that the American electorate agrees with him on this,” said White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan referring to presumptive Republican Party candidate President George W. Bush’s campaign for re-election.
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