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| Enough Fake News To Shake A Stick At |
| 07.21.04 (4:15 pm) [edit] |
[u]Woman Has No Opinion[/u]
[i]Woonsocket, RI[/i] – A recent town meeting was the scene of unexpected indifference Tuesday as local citizen Cynthia Kane stated that she had, “no opinion,” on virtually every aspect of current events. Kane—who was later revealed to be in attendance for the complementary brownies and fruit punch—was questioned thoroughly on topics ranging from the current war in Iraq, to the presidential race, to the new playground being installed at her daughter’s elementary school and could offer no substantive judgments whatsoever, causing severe eye-rolls and frustrated sighs from bystanders.
“I just hope you don’t think she’s a good representative of Woonsocket,” said Marjorie Donaldson spilling coffee as she attempted to pour herself a cup after the meeting at the refreshments table. “I have plenty of opinions, but does anyone ever talk to me? No. You [reporters] always seem to flock to her first, she gives our town a bad name.”
“That’s just Cynthia,” said casual acquaintance Mark Hobson. “She’s been like that since high school, about the only things she really seems to like are brownies. And maybe her husband and children.”
Sources say Kane, who was not voted most likely to do anything in high school, fell into apathy early in life, not evincing strong feelings as early as age two when she neglected to have a favorite stuffed animal, toy, or woobie. This behavior soon developed into a highly unremarkable childhood during which Kane’s parents and teachers hoped for signs of creativity and/or conviction, but saw none.
“It was like teaching a piece of plywood, only less interesting,” said 3rd grade teacher emeritus of Meadowbrook Elementary School, the Rt. Hon. John Sanders. “What was really eerie was the way she always got the same grade on everything she handed in: 75%. And not just in my classes, all the way through high school too. And you know, she didn’t even cry when we read [u]Charlotte’s Web[/u] in class? I’m quite certain she doesn’t have a soul.”
An adolescence fraught with a lack of emotional turmoil gave way to high school and college careers hardly worth commenting on. These were followed by Kane’s current trend of uninvolved adulthood, something which most pundits agree can only lead to a slow, steady, predictable decline into old age and enfeeblement. “Mrs. Kane will not be a septuagenarian whom people will want to emulate in their own autumn years,” said Dr. Thelma Blanch, Professor of gerontology at Brown University. “She will most likely be the older woman whose gaze and oxygen tank people try desperately to avoid. The type known in the field as ‘the grim spectre of death.’”
The people who know citizen Kane the best, her family, insist that she is a different person, “once you get to know her.” Her husband, David Kane, said through an obviously strained grin, “She’s just shy.” When pressed for further comment, he remembered a previous engagement which required the family’s immediate attention and rushed off.
In these days of heated emotions and polarized views, some suggest that Mrs. Kane’s indifference is a good thing. Ed Markey, a 1930’s-era Vaudvilleian, remarked, “A woman without an opinion? Why that’s harder to find than than buried treasure and twice as valuable! Way hey!”
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