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| Less Fake News |
| 07.07.04 (6:18 pm) [edit] |
[u]V.P. Nomination Sparks Voter Enmity[/u]
[i]Washington, D.C.[/i] – The latest speculation in the 2004 race for the presidency has centered directly on Democratic party presumptive candidate John Kerry’s presumptive nomination for his presumptive vice presidential running mate. Yesterday morning, all speculation was put to rest as Senator Kerry announced that he had offered the position to Senator John Edwards of South Carolina. While pundits had forecast a corresponding spike in poll numbers for Kerry, they were amazed to find outrage in one vital subsection of the electorate: the secret vote.
“Approval ratings from women, Latinos, homosexuals, even Republicans all shot up with the announcement,” said Kerry spokesperson Dana Chauncey. “But the secret vote’s rating dropped like nothing anyone’s ever seen.”
The secret vote – a bloc of voters made up primarily of conspiracy theorists, occultists, mumbling hermits, investment bankers, and Mel Gibson – saw its approval rating of Mr. Kerry fall from a robust 73% to just over 4% early Tuesday morning. Traditionally this group has voted strictly for non-incumbent candidates, and the same was expected of them in this year’s upcoming election. It appears now, however, that the Kerry campaign will have to do something drastic to regain the confidence of these voters.
Asked if she thought the campaign could recover from such a blow, Chauncey, sweat dripping off her brow, revealed only that, “we’re working aggressively on a strategy.”
One member of the bloc who would only give his name as Mr. X, said that Kerry had alienated his secretive constituency with the unsatisfying announcement of Edwards as his vice presidential nominee. “He turned a giant plot of fertile, rumor-growing soil into a wasteland of obvious conclusions. Really, what Americans does Kerry help by doing that?”
According to X, the rumors had been flying wildly. Potential running mates ranged from Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) to the obligatory Alien to a clone of Mr. Kerry himself, with very much variety in between. “My favorite was the one about Senator McCain,” said Mr. X’s wife, Mrs. X. “Now, most of our friends said that idea was far too pedestrian, but to me it held a certain laughable charm.”
Surprisingly, Kerry’s strongest competitor in the election, President George W. Bush, has not reaped much of the benefits of this latest swing – only gaining two percent of Kerry’s lost voters. “We couldn’t completely desert our core values,” said Mr. X. “Obviously, whoever is in office is covering up multitudes of high-grade secrets that the American public has a right to know. Area 51, the mole people, the true power of J.F.K.’s hair, they’re all kept under tight wraps – particularly in the current administration. No, we have to vote our optimistic consciences in the hopes that these and other sensational secrets will be revealed. We’re just lucky there’s a third candidate this year.”
Rather than putting their support behind President Bush, the secret bloc plans to endorse Independent candidate Ralph Nader. “Now there’s a man you can really wax paranoiac about,” said Mrs. X. “He doesn’t even have an official [i]party[/i] yet! And those shifty little eyes, they’re just precious.”
In an official statement, Nader commented excitedly on the great bolstering power the group’s endorsement had on his campaign which has been otherwise quiet of late. “See? See? I told you somebody would vote for me!”
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