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| Even More Fake News |
| 06.26.04 (6:16 pm) [edit] |
[u]Man Finally Outgrows Nickname[/u]
[i]Alexandria, VA[/i] – Man, Brian "Guzzler" Jordan (47), announced recently that he will no longer respond to the name Guzzler or any of its derivatives, sources confirmed Saturday. In a conversation with local ABC affiliate 6 o'clock news cameraman, Ted Johnson, Jordan explained that, "I'm just getting too old for that, man."
Jordan had been known as Guzzler for the past twenty-seven years prior to his announcement. The name was first attributed to him during a late night get-together at the University of Virginia during which a fellow student remarked of him, "Look at him guzzle that shit! He's a guzzler, man!" By unanimous vote of those present, the name was immediately cemented as Jordan's primary sobriquet. Sources are still unclear as to what, exactly, Jordan was guzzling.
Although he only officially forsook the moniker within the past week, Jordan had expressed qualms about the nickname as far back as 1987 upon the birth of his first child, Brian "B.B." Jordan, Jr. "I guess I'm going to have to straighten myself up now," Jordan was heard to remark in the recovery room after the birth. "No more Guzzler, now it's Mr. Jordan." Friends report, however, that it was not until some years later that they began referring to Jordan as "Guzz" rather than "Guzzler."
"Yeah, most of us just felt it wasn't appropriate anymore once B.B. learned how to talk and started asking what a Guzzler was," said friend John Casper. "Brian never mentioned that it was a problem, though. Actually, he seemed to enjoy it."
The announcement came at a local barbecue of close friends. Jordan was approached several times throughout the evening and greeted as Guzzler or Guzz. Upon each such greeting, he reported his new outlook and suggested that friends now refer to him as either "Brian" or "Jordan."
Some suspect that coercion played a role in the decision. Mike "Hammerfist" Quigly suggested that, "It's all his wife, she's been bringing him down since the day they met. First it was no more drugs, not even pot, then he cut down on the beer, now I look at Guzzler and I don't even recognize him." Quigly, whose views on Jordan's wife Mary Jordan have long been apparent, has said that he plans to continue to use the name Guzzler in order to, "Piss the bitch off."
Mary Jordan is quite pleased about the decision, however she denies any involvement in the process. “This is something Brian just decided to do. Yes, I’ve been hoping that he would do it for a long time now, but I never explicitly pushed him and I only withheld sex once.”
While reactions did range from extreme disappointment to relief, the general response was one of moderate acceptance and most present acclimated quickly to the change. “Honestly, I’m glad he made the change,” said one acquaintance. “I didn’t even know his real name before this. Now that I do, I don’t have to be embarrassed about running into Bradley at the supermarket anymore and wondering if I should be calling him Guzzler or not outside of the context of alcohol.”
In a candid interview after the cookout, Jordan offered this insight: “You know, I’ve got my kids to think about now. I can’t be telling my 17 year old not to drink at these parties he goes to and then have someone say to me, ‘Hey Guzzler, here’s a cold brewski.’ That’s not cool, man.”
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posted by: crab people (reply)
post date: 06.30.04 (2:04 pm)
i am the comment king!
guzzle my balls
posted by: Rachel (reply)
post date: 07.11.04 (12:31 pm)
"sobriquet" ? i hope to god you had to look that one up, cuz if not...well...you shame us all, matt, you shame us all.
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