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| More Fake News |
| 06.22.04 (7:19 pm) [edit] |
[u]Classic Romantic Novel Pronounced "Lame."[/u]
[i]Red Hook, NY[/i]-The comments of 15 year-old Randy Hartman in a recent session of Mrs. Tabitha Stevens' 10th grade English class have stirred high emotions among the staff and student body alike of Red Hook Regional High School.
Hartman, during a discussion of Mary Shelley’s [i]Frankenstein[/i] remarked, “This book is lame,” and “Frankenstein is lame, what a lame monster.” When corrected by Stevens, 57, that Frankenstein is the name of the creator rather than the monster, Hartman broke into a tirade of some seventeen minutes that comprised most of the rest of the class.
“He’s right you know,” said classmate Jennifer Flanders – a rising star in the school’s Drama Club, who has been described as “radiant” and “super-fine” – after class had been dismissed. “That book really is lame. I mean, I was glad Randy flipped out the way he did because I couldn’t even make it past the first twenty pages it was so boring.” The vigorous nodding of the group of young girls around Flanders is just one sign of the strong popularity of the feeling among students.
An anonymous honors student voiced similar opinions later in the day. “Honestly, the plot’s held together with scotch tape. The whole learning to read thing – come on, even Randy could do better than that. I like Mrs. Stevens and all, but the book really did kind of suck.”
[i]Frankenstein Or, The Modern Prometheus[/i] (1816) has long been hailed as not only a pillar of Romantic fiction, but also as a bedrock of the horror genre. The tale of a young scientist – Frankenstein – who gives life to a monstrous being, the novel follows the path of destruction the monster leaves in his wake upon the trauma of being greeted by humanity with nothing but fear and hatred. The monster has since become an icon of popular culture and even representative of the entire horror genre.
Mrs. Stevens stands by both her decision to assign the book and her love of it. “This book is anything but ‘lame,’” Stevens said. “Not only does it represent the culmination of the Prometheus archetype in Romantic literature, but it chills one’s bones to the very marrow, even today. Just listen to this: ‘It was already one in the morning; the rain pattered dismally against the panes, and my candle was nearly burnt out, when, by the glimmer of the half-extinguished light, I saw the dull yellow eye of the—’ Young man! Pay attention, please. To me, not Ms. Flanders, thank you. Young man, I’m talking to you, don’t walk away from me!”
The faculty of RHRHS stand just as firmly behind Mrs. Stevens as do the students behind Mr. Hartman. “Tabby is right for teaching this book,” said fellow English teacher Mr. Raymond Lapis. “It’s a bona fide classic, and it’s important that these kids learn a little bit about where they come from – even if they learn that life was so dull that a book like [i]Frankenstein[/i] could scare the bejeezus out of ninety-five percent of the population at the time.”
When asked about the appropriateness of a high school English teacher using the word, “bejeezus,” Mr. Lapis did not offer a response.
“I don’t know what that kid’s talking about,” remarked stereotypical physical education teacher Harold Roemer. “That movie almost made me piss my pants when I was his age. I saw it at the Bijou with this girl, Sarah Feinstein – oh wow, was she a fox. I’ll tell you what, that Frankenstein comes at me, I’m running like Randy Johnson just threw a dodge-ball at me. Maybe what Hartman needs is a good ball [-peen hammer, [i]sic[/i]] to the head, knock some sense into him.”
Relations between the students and faculty have not been this strained since the senior prank of 1987. “If they don’t do anything stupid, we won’t do anything stupid,” said head of the teacher’s union and chemistry teacher Susanne Goldman. With unknown sources reporting rumors of a planned, school-wide “Book Drop” for precisely 1:38 p.m. later today, however, one can only imagine the terrifying outcome of this sordid affair.
The very mature Jennifer Flanders will be starring as Eliza in the spring semester RHRHS production of [i]My Fair Lady[/i].
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