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| Fake News: |
| 06.13.04 (8:15 am) [edit] |
[u]Local Man Investigated for Being an "Unoriginal Bastard"[/u]
[i]Boston, MA [/i]- An investigation is underway this week to probe the involvement of local man Matthew "Koz" Koskowski in, "Being an unoriginal bastard who hasn't come up with a new joke since 1992. And that one wasn't even good!"
Koskowski has recently launched a new "Fake News" initiative through his AOL Instant Messenger profile, something he believes promises to be both, "Funny [i]and[/i] misinformative." Others, however, have different opinions of the 23 year old's new venture.
Sources close to [i]The Onion [/i]and [i]The Daily Show [/i]- two reputable and longstanding fake news agencies - report heavy grumblings over Koskowski's latest attempts at humor. "This guy sucks. He's not funny, and he sucks, and we're going to show everyone just how much he sucks," said reporter who wishes to remain anonymous for security reasons, Jim Anchower from [i]The Onion's[/i] internet offices where he can be found Monday-Friday between 9 a.m. and 6 p.m.
Similar sentiments were echoed at the offices of [i]The Daily Show[/i]."First of all, he's giving fake news a bad name," [i]Daily Show [/i]correspondent Steve Carell said. "Second, it was our idea. This is copyright infringement of the worst kind, or at least plagiarism. I mean, right?"
Official representatives for Koskowski were unavailable for comment at the time of this filing, but friends, family, and co-workers alike have rushed to Koskowski's defense.
"This is such bullshit," friend David "Parillo" Parillo commented. "Koz is a great kid, so what if he busts out a few too many [i]Family Guy[/i] quotes, it makes me and [James] Wexler laugh."
Co-worker Meredith Klump made this admission: "I said Matt was hilarious once. I was trying to talk him up to this girl he likes - he's been pretty depressed and lonely lately, you know, he could use a little action. So, yeah, I told her that he was a great guy and really funny and stuff like that. I mean, it's not like it was a complete lie."
Koskowski's cousin, Mr. Mark Shook, was able to shed some light on the origins of this purported unoriginal bastardry. "See, we used to love [i]The Simpsons[/i] when we were younger," a statement from his New York office reports. "And we used to go around just banging off lines one after another after another - it was just what we did for fun. We could go on for hours like that, we loved it - "What's a battle?" "Did that boy just say 'What's a battle'?" "No he said, 'What's that rattle?' There must be a problem with the heating system." "I could have sworn he said, 'What's a battle?'" "Well, I've had a cold." "Oh, so you hear R's as B's?" "Yes." - The statement continues like this for some thirty-four pages.
[i]Daily Show[/i] anchorman Jon Stewart sees this statement as, "Just more fuel for the fire." Picking up a lead pipe and hefting it, Stewart continued, "We'll be ready. If we don't protect the name of good, fake news operations, who will?"
The proceedings of the inquiry are set to get underway at 7:30 a.m. E.D.T., June 14th in the parking lot outside 1381 Commonwealth Ave. as Koskowski walks unsuspectingly out to his car.
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posted by: ron doucheman (reply)
post date: 06.22.04 (2:38 pm)
this blog eats more kilbasa than arthur
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