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| Breaking Fake News |
| 08.15.05 (6:22 pm) [edit] |
[u]Four Dead In Tragic Collar-Popping Accident[/u]
[i]Boston, MA[/i] – The scene outside Boston’s trendy nightspot The Liquor Store Saturday night was one of surprise and horror after a routine collar pop went horribly awry. The disturbing chain of events began when Tran Nguyen (27) of Brookline, who was on line to enter the establishment, attempted to flip the down-turned collar of his striped golf shirt up. It ended with the blood spattered corpses of three young men – Nguyen among them – and one young woman sprawled out on the sidewalk, their lifeless ears unable to hear the screams that echoed around them.
Details of the evening’s events are still sketchy at best. The few eyewitnesses at the scene were, understandably, too shaken up to be of much help to local police or journalists; most are currently undergoing psychiatric treatment for trauma. What is clear at this point is that Nguyen fatally injured himself while in the act of popping his collar. In an apparent effort to exhibit his prodigious machismo, the muscle-bound young man aggressively thrust his collar upwards, only to lacerate his nearby jugular vein with the metal-spiked wristcuff he was wearing.
Accounts vary, but the general outline of the events that followed has Nguyen falling on top of his female companion, Ms. Suzy Everheart (21), who he smothered with his massive pectoral muscles. Stories diverge drastically from this point forward.
One witness claims that Ms. Everheart, during her final throes of life, clawed out at the legs of those around her causing Mr. Juan Garcia (25) to trip and fall into Mr. Clint Heywood (23). Heywood (whose collar was also turned up) then set upon Garcia (who was wearing a shirt without a collar) presumably in retaliation to assumed aggression. This altercation quickly escalated into the brutal stabbing deaths of the two men.
Another prominent line of reasoning posits that Garcia, hearing the muffled screams of Ms. Everheart, attempted to pull her from underneath the considerable bulk of Nguyen, only to dislocate her shoulder. The sudden lack of tension caused him to fly backwards into Heywood. The scream that issued from him upon feeling Everheart’s shoulder separate set off a stampede under which both Garcia and Heywood were trampled, multiple stiletto heels piercing both of their bodies.
There are other accounts as well, none of which are quite so plausible as the two mentioned above. Of course, at this point no reconstruction of the scene goes so far as to explain [i]why[/i] any of the young men in question would presume to pop their collars in the first place. The recent rash of upturned collars has caused many to question the fashion sense of today’s youth. Some have even alleged that Nguyen got no less than what he deserved. And, although the extreme view is offended to the point of callousness, perhaps after the tragic events of Saturday night, today’s youth will think twice before displaying such a reckless attitude toward their collars.
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