Blog For Free!
Archives
Home
2006 July
2005 August
2005 July
2005 June
2005 April
2005 March
2004 November
2004 September
2004 August
2004 July
2004 June
My Links
Real Fake News
Badgers, Mushrooms, and Snakes
The Homestar Runner
Phunkdified - great guitar
tBlog
My Profile
Send tMail
My tFriends
My Images
Sponsored
Blog
|
| Um...fake news.vom |
| 06.26.05 (11:15 am) [edit] |
[u]Area Rug Ruined by Area Man[/u]
[i]Brooklyn, NY[/i] – During a casual gathering of friends and acquaintances held last Friday evening by James Ignazio and Paul Hampden, area man Ryan Cloverleaf (24) spilled multiple beverages, and later vomited on, an area rug in the common space of the Cobble Hill apartment. The heavy staining and resulting noxious stench have ruined the beige 9’x6’ rug for future use. Sources within the apartment cited over-exuberance for tequila shots as well as a heavy pre-party regimen of marijuana and corn chips as the likely roots of Cloverleaf’s unusually erratic behavior.
Cynthia Mason, a friend of Ignazio’s from college whose hobbies include horseback riding and quilting, was seated next to Cloverleaf at the time of the first spill. “Ryan was drinking a rum and [cola-flavored soda beverage], and I guess he was already a little out of it, because when everyone started laughing at John Goodman yelling at Steve Buscemi in [i]The Big Lebowski[/i] he spun away from his conversation to see what the fuss was about and ended up throwing the rest of his drink all over the carpet. Of course, everyone just started laughing harder once we realized the irony of the situation, and I think someone actually came out and said ‘man, that rug really tied the room together,’ but I don’t think anyone would have laughed if we’d known what was in store for us later on.”
As the evening progressed, Cloverleaf reportedly continued consuming alcoholic beverages at regular intervals to the point that he was visibly staggering and had to lean heavily upon furniture and other guests for support. At one point, as he was seated next to John Sebastian – Goucher College graduate, class of 2002 and backgammon enthusiast – and swaying gently back and forth, he began to pour his drink onto the floor without realizing it. “I had to stop him, take his cup and put it on the table,” said Sebastian. “It didn’t even register when I told him what he had been doing. He just gave this sort of confused smile and went back to staring at nothing. That was when I realized that the night probably wasn’t going to end well for Ryan.”
By the time guests began to make their ways back home, Cloverleaf was judged by his hosts to be in no shape to venture into the streets of the city alone so they allowed him to remain where he was: unconscious and face-down on the living room rug. “At the time,” said Ignazio, “we thought he would just sleep it off. We began preparing for his hangover, but while we were discussing where to go out for breakfast in the morning, we heard him start to retch. Before we knew it, there was Ryan lying in a pool of his own discolored vomit in the middle of the floor. We took a couple of pictures, and then dragged him into the bathtub. By that point, there wasn’t much we could do about the rug.”
When reached for comment, Cloverleaf said, “Well, I guess the lesson I learned here is that my actions don’t really have consequences as long as I can pay for the damages. And since my parents are pretty rich, I’d say that’s an important lesson.” Indeed, Ignazio and Hampden reported that they were initially “disappointed” by Cloverleaf’s behavior, but their spirits were raised the next morning when Cloverleaf offered to pay for a new rug as well as the two young men’s breakfasts. Onlookers observed the three joking and laughing yesterday as they traveled to a local Home Depot in search of a new floor covering.
|
|
|
| |
|
|
