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| Virtually Real News |
| 04.11.05 (6:57 pm) [edit] |
[u]Goose Missing, Men Vow Revenge[/u]
[i]Lexington, MA[/i] – Some three weeks ago, the residents of 309 Marrett Rd. were surprised to discover that their prized lawn ornament goose had disappeared without a trace. Assuming that they had been the victims of a malicious act of thievery, the men brought the incident to the attention of the local constabulary, only to be brusquely turned out with not one word of encouragement after filing their report. With no progress from the police since the time of the initial visit and no serious replies to their offer of a beer-flavored reward for the safe return of the goose, the men of 309 Marrett Rd. have decided to take things into their own hands.
At a press conference held earlier today, Stefano “Steve” Mineo announced the change in strategy as the unofficial spokesperson of the household known for its zany lifestyle and associations with Neil Diamond and various Latino firefighters. “Hey, we just want our goose back. If it’s on our doorstep tomorrow, everybody wins, no questions asked. But to whoever committed this heinous act, know that this is your last chance: return the goose peacefully, or we will find you and we will rain down almighty vengeance upon you.”
Mineo revealed that the self-proclaimed “Marrett Men” have narrowed their search down to a few suspects, but in the interest of maintaining the integrity of the ongoing case, he would not elaborate further. Another member of the household, however, did.
Brett “Siggy” Sigworth, in return for a bribe of some small trinkets and baubles, told this reporter that, while the initial suspect was David “Darilla” Parillo – himself a member of the house, known for his penchant for borrowing things and also for his tendency to forget that he had borrowed things – the Marrett Men have since turned their attention to their erstwhile friends known simply as “Elko.”
Elko, so named for the street on which they live, consists of Matthew “Koz” Koskowski, Nathan “Rellish” Kellish, James “Bengis” Wexler and Julia “Ju” Elder. Elko have maintained their innocence since they first found out about the tragedy, issuing numerous appeals for the Marrett Men to listen to reason. These have come to little avail, however, and have in fact only elevated suspicions.
“Oh, it was definitely Elko,” said Marrett Man Chris “Beaver” Goscinski, echoing the sentiments of Sigworth after the conference. “And those bastards are going to get it. We’ve got plans, just you wait.”
None of the housemates would give away any details as to what those plans might be. The closest anyone came was during Tim “Toolman” Trainor’s brief insane screams at the microphone, channeling what appeared to be dialogue from an old Ren and Stimpy cartoon:
“We Louts are angry! We are [i]sore[/i]! Matt Koz and Wexler cheated! Next time we see you guys, it’ll be in the street! We’ll break your bones. We’ll grind you into putty. We’ll tear your faces off! You haven’t heard the last of us. This is war! We are generals, you are the enemy! Beware Matt Koz! Beware Kellish! We know where you live, we know where your parents live! We will have our [i]revenge[/i]!!”
As those around him attempted to subdue Trainor, he grew more animated and began to gesticulate wildly, continuing, “No! I wanna holler the loud, funny words! I like Darren, he is my friend! I like you, [i]and[/i] him! He likes me! And I like him! He likes you! [i]IHOP[/i]!! I like his autograph! It is a nice picture! He is [i]NICE[/i]!!” Once calm had returned to the room again, Trainer gave only the cryptic explanation, “I’m a wooden boy,” before leaving the podium.
Following Trainor’s bizarre outburst, the remaining residents of 309 Marrett Rd. – excepting David “Kahn” Kahn who was away vacationing in Maine and unavailable for comment – each said a few words expressing their hopes for the safety of the goose and their wishes for its speedy return.
In a final, heartfelt plea for mercy, Parillo took the podium carrying a hollow, plastic penguin. “Whoever did this,” he said, his words ringing clear into the Lexington morning. “I beseech you. Look into the eyes of this penguin and feel the sorrow that he feels. You know as well as we do that a Beaver is no partner for a penguin. A penguin needs a goose. Reach deep inside your heart and find the warmth that rests there; bring this penguin back his goose. Please.”
Only time will tell what becomes of the poor goose. If you have any information pertaining to its whereabouts, please contact the Marrett Men or the Lexington Police Department as soon as is humanly possible.
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| Fakir News |
| 04.04.05 (5:28 pm) [edit] |
[u]Scientists: “Famous People Die Too”[/u]
[i]Baltimore, MD[/i] – Scientists wearing glasses and lab coats at the Center on Aging and Health at Johns Hopkins University announced today that they have proven that, no matter the level of celebrity a person has attained, famous people die too. “This is a sad day for famous people everywhere,” said one researcher who is not famous. “But the truth must be told. We hope that these data will help all famous people cope with the struggle that they now know lays before them.”
The research staff acknowledged that recent events emphasizing human mortality played a large part in the findings. The recent rash of deaths of famous and very-famous people such as ex-president Ronald Reagan, comedian Mitch Hedberg, and Pope John Paul II provided important support to the hypothesis.
While the scientists had a wealth of information to cull from the daily obituaries, TV news magazines, and supermarket tabloids, the case that put the final nail in the coffin was the death of someone who began her journey into the hereafter as a not very famous person at all: Terry Schiavo.
“The Schiavo case,” one researcher remarked, “presented an amazing confluence of events. It was an instance in which a woman was not only stuck between life and death, but one which pitted opposing sides, actively pushing her towards either end, against each other. And then things really heated up when Congress and the media got involved. It was at that point that Terry Schiavo became a legitimately famous person.” Monitoring events closely, the research team was able to put together the closing arguments of their thesis based on Terry Schiavo’s fate.
“Just look at the situation: a woman achieves fame through the battle over her continuing survival. Now, if it was true that famous people do [i]not[/i] die, the end result would have been the re-insertion and continued use of her feeding tube, thus prolonging her life nigh indefinitely. Today we know that even fame was not enough to help her outrun death, nor would it be for anyone. These are facts that we scientists can no longer dispute.”
The research presented strikes a resounding blow in a debate that has long raged in the scientific community. “There’s string theory, nature/nurture, and then famous people,” one scientist explained. “Specifically, are famous people better than non-famous people? And if so, how much better are they?” He went on to add with a little grin that was so smug – ooh you can just tell he’s so jealous – “With research like this, we’re beginning to blur the line between fame and obscurity.”
The current research will appear in an upcoming edition of the journal [i]Star Magazine[/i], but the team does not plan on stopping there. In an attempt to further examine the effects of fame on reality, the researchers will next ponder the age-old question: do famous people actually get fat?
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