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| Fake News II: The Revenge |
| 03.26.05 (9:49 pm) [edit] |
[u]Local Rock-Paper-Scissors Champion De-Throned[/u]
[i]Mont Pelier, VT[/i] – Pine Tree elementary school was the site Thursday of the unseating of reigning rock-paper-scissors champion George Roberts of the 5th grade by upstart 4th grader Seth Johnson. In a rochambeau for the ages, Johnson and Roberts were pitted against each other in a best 2 out of 3 contest throughout most of recess before Johnson finally emerged victorious with a cunningly timed rock to beat Roberts’s scissors.
The duel began, as many expected it would, with Roberts gaining an early advantage. After both competitors threw rock on the first turn, Roberts followed up with a paper to cover Johnson’s second round rock. After the quick start, however, the challengers settled in to what would become an epic series of doubles.
“After that first quick loss, I knew I was in trouble,” said Johnson after the match. “But I just took a deep breath and tried to let my training take control over my consciousness.”
Indeed both Johnson and Roberts seemed to enter trance-like states for most of the battle, their eyes barely open, bodies still and relaxed save for their pumping fists. Spectators later described the sight as “awe-inspiring,” and “pretty neat.” Dana Sedgewick, a 5th grader and Roberts’s alleged girlfriend, had a vantage point virtually right on top of the action and perhaps summed it up better than anyone. “I’ve never seen anything like it. It was more than rock-paper-scissors; it was art – a masterpiece.”
After Roberts’s second throw victory, both competitors threw scissors, then rock, scissors, scissors, paper, scissors, paper, paper, rock and scissors as the contest entered a streak of 327 consecutive draws. The next score was set up when Johnson and Roberts both simultaneously employed the Bonetti series – named after Charlie Bonetti, a 19th century rock-paper-scissors master, this is a complex pattern of 43 sequential throws designed to throw one’s opponent off balance. Both Roberts and Johnson appeared to notice the strategy of the other 11 throws into the series as they both diverted from the scripted 12th throw of paper and each threw scissors instead. This led to 31 playful draws that brought smiles to Roberts’s and Johnson’s faces and consisted of precisely the opposite throws of those prescribed by the Bonetti defense. Once the altered series was completed, the amazing run was finally broken up 10 throws later following draws of paper, paper and scissors when Johnson’s further scissors cut Roberts’s paper.
After a short break in the action punctuated by the amazed gasps of the audience, the opponents played out a thrilling series not likely to be repeated of no less than 546 draws, the highlight of which was a mind-bending set of 22 straight rocks followed by 3 papers, 2 scissors and a further 12 rocks.
The contest finally concluded on the 876th throw. Following draws of scissors, scissors, scissors, rock, paper, scissors and paper, Roberts’s scissors was defeated by Johnson’s rock which Johnson immediately thrust into the air as a proclamation of victory. The opponents then looked to each other and embraced in a show of sportsmanship rarely seen in this day and age.
Afterwards Roberts, whose win streak of 657 matches had come to an end, remarked that, “after a match like that, you’re just proud to have been a part of it. Sure I’m disappointed with the loss, but that was one for the record books.” When asked about the possibility of a rematch, Roberts replied thusly: “There’s plenty of time for a rematch. Right now I just want to spend some time with my family and regain my focus.”
Johnson for his part was magnanimous, extolling the virtues of his competitor only moments after defeating him. “George is a great role model of mine. Just the chance to be able to compete with him was an honor. I only hope that I’m up to the task of following in his footsteps as Pine Tree’s champion.”
The school was abuzz with news of Johnson’s victory for the rest of the afternoon, and will likely be talking about the momentous contest at least until next month’s tetherball tournament begins.
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| If Only The News Were So Fake |
| 03.17.05 (6:37 pm) [edit] |
[u]President Promises Aid to Alaska’s Wildlife[/u]
[i]Washington, D.C.[/i] – The Senate earlier this week, by a 51-49 vote, passed a provision to the nation’s budget proposal that will allow industry to explore the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge as a potential source for oil. At a press conference afterwards, President Bush lauded the vote as an important step toward both American energy independence and also the democratization of Alaska’s wildlife.
The public has long been aware of the President’s enthusiasm for this project as a means to enhance U.S. standing in relation to other oil-producing nations such as Russia and the members of OPEC. The second of the Presidents assertions, that increased oil production would “free indigenous Alaskans from a tyrannical regime” took the media in attendance by surprise and was, therefore, the focus of most of the briefing. The President spent some time elaborating on his comments, but noted that an official White House release would be forthcoming.
“For too long has Alaska been America’s bastard son, ignored in the cold wastes of the north, left to fend for itself. Today we press forward on the path of the legitimization of our largest state. The many tribes of the Alaskan refuge have long needed a powerful symbol to gather around, to give them a sense of community, a sense of purpose. I say to you, oil will be that symbol.
“The oil that will be extruded from beneath Alaskan soil – we’re talking up to 1 million barrels a day, people. That’s a lot of trips to Wal-Mart and back. This oil will be a beacon, a light to guide Alaska and America into the future.”
The President continued by outlining potential benefits to the state and country including an extensive profit-sharing plan that would involve, not only the Alaskan citizenry, but also the Alaskan wildlife itself.
“Thanks to their great sacrifice, the many inhabitants of the Alaskan Wildlife Refuge will all enjoy discounted gas prices for as long as they should choose to make their homes in the confines of the reserve. This includes fuel for the park rangers to travel across the many miles of the refuge, managing and protecting it. It includes the population of mighty beaver who will now be able to forego the destruction of their teeth and instead use gas-powered chainsaws in the construction of their majestic dams. And don’t forget the powerful grizzly bears. Their humorous miniature cars have been on blocks for too long. With the new supply of oil, they can afford to put those cars back on the road and drive them to the tune of whatever circus-themed song they choose. Yes, all will reap the vast benefits of this program.”
The President went on like this for some forty-five minutes, promising ends to the plights of “disenfranchised caribou and disillusioned wolverines.” His ambitious plan also includes tax revenues which will be collected from sales of the Alaskan oil and funneled back into local economies to fund public works and “to bring schools of salmon up to speed on ‘No Child Left Behind.’” The design for the commemorative Alaska quarter was also revealed as picturing an arctic hare giving the thumbs up sign while posing among a field of oil wells.
The President also commented that, though the process of restructuring the Alaskan Refuge is “a process,” and as such it will take some time for these plans to come to fruition, once in full effect they will offer the Alaskan populace a sense of unity that they never experienced under the former, oil-less regime.
When a reporter for the [i]Los Angeles Times[/i] pointed out that the wildlife in question may not enjoy the described benefits as thoroughly as the President asserted they would, President Bush replied, “Listen, Jerry. Why don’t you go try to gnaw down one of those trees on the White House lawn and we’ll see how long it is before you’re gassing up [i]your[/i] chainsaw.” The press conference was concluded after the laughter had died down and the reporters had forgotten what the question was.
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| Return of Fake News |
| 03.09.05 (6:39 pm) [edit] |
[u]Trial Begins in Sexual Misconduct Case[/u]
[i]Los Angeles, CA[/i] – Trial proceedings began this afternoon in the case against inveterate womanizer Pepe Le Pew for his actions on February 14th, 2005. Le Pew, known primarily for his lengthy career with the Warner Brothers cartoon studios, has pled not guilty to the charge of aggravated sexual assault laid against him by the state of California.
According to the state, Mr. Le Pew made repeated and unwelcome overtures of a sexual nature, both verbal and physical, toward Ms. Mimi Le Mew on the night in question using a variety of disguises and languages. Assistant District Attorney Donald Glazer summarized Le Pew’s actions in his opening statement today describing them as, “offensive, lewd and aggressive to the point of reducing Ms. Le Mew to the quivering, traumatized woman you see before you today.”
Legal rhetoric aside, Le Pew allegedly stalked Ms. Le Mew for six hours as she tried to evade his advances by hiding in trees, barrels and abandoned railway tunnels. Their brief encounters, according to Ms. Le Mew, amounted to “thousands of burning kisses on my face and arms and egregious and painful heinie pinching,” all while Ms. Le Mew fought “tooth and nail” to escape Le Pew’s constricting grasp.
Le Pew will be defending himself – he received a law degree from Le Sorbonne before emigrating from France in the 1940’s. He used his opening statement to lay the groundwork of a defense that appears to consist of little more than arguing that he is a “lusty Frenchman” and should therefore be excused. What seems at first glance to be a trifling strategy may in fact have precedent on its side. In [i]California v. Coyote[/i] (1989), one Wile E. Coyote was acquitted of 2nd degree murder charges following a killing spree that left 37 roadrunners ([i]Tastius Treatius[/i]) dead in its wake. Because of Coyote’s feral background and culture, the jury exonerated him. Although the case has held up staunchly against appeal since it was first tried, Coyote’s defense also contained a heavy mental illness component (as a young man, he was tormented for years by a sociopathic road runner), a point which A.D.A. Glazer will be loath to overlook.
Thus far, Le Pew’s defense appears to be holding up: his amorous advances appear to know no bounds. During the morning’s proceedings, Mr. Le Pew openly propositioned Barbara the court stenographer, Jerry the bailiff, and jurors numbers 4, 7 and 9. If Le Pew’s primary strategy does fail, however, he may well be able to fall back on another, more natural defense. As the defendant is a skunk, he emits a powerful, noxious odor at all times. This odor became strong enough during the trial’s first day to force the judge to call seven separate recesses. If a permanent solution to this problem is not found (flowers wilt in its presence and gas masks are too cumbersome), a mistrial may have to be declared.
Should Le Pew’s efforts be thwarted, he will likely face some jail time as well as forced registration with the sex offender registry. More harmful to Le Pew personally, though, would be the stain on his honor, for as he commented in his opening statements this morning, “A man weethout honor, he eez nothing.”
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