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| Real Fake News |
| 11.17.04 (5:47 pm) [edit] |
[u]Powell Resigns, 3 Others Ignored By Media[/u]
[i]Washington, D.C.[/i] – Secretary of State Colin Powell announced his upcoming resignation Monday, the most high-profile resignation yet among an otherwise mediocre group of lame duck cabinet members. Also announcing their departures Monday were Secretary of Agriculture, Ann Veneman, Secretary of Energy, Spencer Abraham and Secretary of Education, Rod – I didn’t catch his last name, so let’s just say – Stewart. Powell’s announcement caused an enormous media blitz that ranged from encomiums to elegies. News regarding the other three Secretaries, however, was received dismissively where it was received at all, leading to frustration – and in one case tears – within the group.
For many of the lower-profile, “under-”secretaries of the cabinet, the statement of resignation is the one moment in their White House careers in which they receive attention from the news media; be it in the form of accolades or polemics, it is often the crowning moment of a predominantly dull four-to-eight years of creating the very policies that drive the nation into the future.
Before he heard of Mr. Powell’s news, Rod Stewart assumed that his announcement would supply him with his justly-deserved fifteen minutes of fame before his scheduled fade into the masses of high-powered lawyers, immensely influential lobbyists and brazen-mouthed pundits that litter the streets of Washington. Afterwards, he could only weep.
“I mean, look at this headline from cnn.com,” the exasperated Secretary of Education said through streaming tears. “‘Powell resigns with 3 other secretaries.’ And they barely even mention my name in the article itself. Not even a blurb about [the] ‘No Child’ [Left Behind Act]. How am I supposed to give that to my mother for my scrapbook? You tell me how I overcome this shame!”
The article dedicated almost all of its 892 words to Powell’s withdrawal, touching briefly upon his career, his plans for the future and speculation about his successor. The Secretaries of Education, Energy and Agriculture may or may not have been mentioned somewhere near the bottom.
The normally poised Secretary of Energy, Spencer Abraham also expressed dissatisfaction at the lack of attention to his own career choice. “That [expletive deleted], Powell, he’s such a [expletive deleted] prima donna. [Expletive]’s on the cover of the Times every other day and he can’t even give me this one thing. And listen to this, I was at this party once, right, and that [expletive] [expletive] was [expletive deleted] a chicken–”
Anonymous sources indicate that Abraham’s particular vexation was compounded by the fact that he had chosen his moment of resignation with the intent of upstaging Secretaries Stewart and Veneman, thus bolstering the media attention on himself as the most controversial among the three. This is a tactic Abraham has employed in the past (his campaign for 7th grade Treasurer being the first occasion) and, in a note to a junior aide, he referred to his plans by saying, “Now that Ashcroft’s out, we can really pull an Abrahamma’ Slamma,’” on Stewart and Veneman.
When approached with such accusations of his own showboating, Abraham replied, “Oh, that’s just that [expletive]bag excuse for a Secretary of Education spreading [expletive, rhymes with “pull bit”] again. He’s just mad because I grabbed his wife’s [expletive] at the Christmas party last year. What was I supposed to do? I thought it was his daughter! Ha!”
For her own part, Secretary of Agriculture Ann Veneman was not particularly put off by the non-events surrounding her exit. “Are you kidding? To be mentioned in the same breath as Mr. Powell, that’s the best thing I could have hoped for. This is the kind of spontaneous publicity that really makes somebody. Things are going to start happening to me now!” When asked about her plans for the immediate future she noted that they included tying up agriculturally-related loose ends, overseeing the Farm Service Agency County Committee elections that are currently underway, and trying to get Condoleezza Rice to sign her autograph book.
Colin Powell was not immediately available for comment.
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| Once again, Fake News |
| 11.11.04 (5:22 pm) [edit] |
[u]Blogger’s Unannounced Absence Greeted With Silent Outrage[/u]
[i]Boston, MA[/i] – Matthew Koskowski (23) of Boston Massachusetts recently returned to his post as unofficial fake news correspondent for the metro area after an unannounced sabbatical lasting nearly two months. During this time, which Koskowski used to brush up on his yo-yo/juggling skills and teach himself macramé, his legions of readers let forth an outraged, but silent, call against his absence.
“I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize for my callous selfishness during these hard times,” Koskowski said in a statement released Tuesday. “You, the public, needed a mediocre source of fake news, and I left you swaying in the breeze like so many hanged men and women. Your voices choked with rage, and possibly tuna fish, you sent out a voiceless wail, and I am here now to let you know that I heard your anti-vociferous scream of silence: I’m back.”
The “author” classifies this apparent inaction as an example of civil disobedience in the same vein as the landmark Birmingham bus boycotts of the 1960s. While he was away, Koskowski noted that he received less than five total requests for a return to his fake news [we]blog. “Well, call it one,” he added. “Obviously the message was clear.”
That message, according to Koskowski, was “Come back now, you’re doting public needs you.” Anonymous sources, however, assert that a somewhat different message was intended by the lack of a public outcry.
“To tell the truth,” said one less than devoted reader, “I’d forgotten he was still writing the thing. I think I stopped reading somewhere around the reality TV article. I wouldn’t have known that he’d stopped updating the page except you just told me.”
In the words of another of Koskowski’s so-called fans, “Who’s writing what now?”
Nevertheless, Koskowski remains resolute in his return to the arena of public discourse and plans to release what he assures nervous investors will be a “critically acclaimed, blockbuster compilation of [his] articles” in the near future. “Never again will my adoring ‘Koz-heads’ go without semi-clever turns of phrase, half-smirk-inducing puns, or moderately laughable fictitious situations. Your complaints have been heard in all of their resounding muteness, and I can do naught but obey.”
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