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| So Close To Being Real News |
| 09.22.04 (5:19 pm) [edit] |
[u]“Bam-Bang” Wrestles His Way To The Top[/u]
[i]Jakarta, Indonesia[/i] – The former General Susilo Bambang “The Bam-Bang Kid” Yudhoyono and incumbent President Megawati “Mega-Watt!” Sukarnoputri faced off in a no-holds-barred, Texas-style cage match Monday night. On the line was nothing less than the title of President of Indonesia. In a bout that lasted over 3 hours, during which both opponents struggled valiantly and heroically, it was the Bam-Bang Kid who finally grappled his way to the top of the cage to claim the presidential belt.
It was a fight that the candidates had been all but foaming at the mouth to have. Strained relations between the two date back to Bam-Bang’s involvement in the militaristic “Strong-Rule” regime headed by then title-holder Suharto whose tenure was marked by dictatorial restrictions on personal freedoms and the spilling of copious amounts of innocent blood. Eventually, when Suharto finally stepped down in the face of a coup and relinquished his title as Undisputed President, a civil administration was formed by Suharto’s arch-nemesis “The Mighty Sukarno,” Mega-Watt!’s father.
Mega-Watt! and Bam-Bang appeared to have put their differences behind them, however, when Bam-Bang accepted a position in Mega-Watt!’s coalition of politicos, known simply as “The Coalition.” During his brief stint with The Coalition, the Bam-Bang Kid (who went by the moniker “The Security Minister” at the time) seemingly forged a deep alliance with Mega-Watt! and the two battled successfully in many pivotal tag-team matches.
But, in a shocking move, the Bam-Bang Kid split from The Coalition early last spring to begin a soulful, lone-wolf quest to reach the apex of Indonesian civil service, leaving his ex-partner incensed. Harold Crouch, an impartial Australian who announced the match, commented that, “ever since Bam-Bang went off on his own to train in the shadow of [the volcano] Mount Merapi, Mega-Watt! has just been itching to get him back in the ring and teach him a lesson.”
As the match started, Mega-Watt! looked like she was going to make the most of her opportunity, catching Bam-Bang off guard the moment the bell rang with a quick haymaker followed by a reverse suplex that left her opponent writhing on the mat. But after a missed body slam from the top rope, Mega-Watt! had lost her opening advantage.
After the opening salvo, the match raged back and forth, neither wrestler appearing to be able to completely crack the other’s defenses. A dizzying spin-throw to the ropes by Mega-Watt! was quickly countered by a clothesline from the returning Bam-Bang Kid; a volley of head-slams to the turnbuckle by Bam-Bang was nullified by a reverse head butt and figure-four leg lock combination from Mega-Watt!.
The turning point came in the 2nd hour of the fight, after both Mega-Watt! and the Bam-Bang Kid had unsuccessfully attempted their special finishing moves (the Sukarno Stomp and the Bam-Bam-Bang-Bang Body Slam respectively). It was at this point that, while both the referee and Mega-Watt! were distracted by rowdy fans, a Mysterious Masked Man slipped a metal folding chair into the cage and the Bam-Bang Kid proceeded to pummel Mega-Watt! about the head and back with the illicit weapon. After that turn of events, Mega-Watt!, sluggish and drained, was unable to mount any further significant attacks. Some thirty-six minutes later, the Bam-Bang Kid executed his Bam-Bam-Bang-Bang Body Slam leaving Mega-Watt! unconscious on the canvas as he captured the Presidency.
Although the Bam-Bang Kid was declared the winner of the election, the results are still unofficial pending the judgment of a complaint filed by Mega-Watt!. It is her camp’s contention that Bam-Bang and the Mysterious Masked Man were working in tandem – in direct opposition to the “One Man Only” clause of the match contract – and that the Bam-Bang Kid should, therefore, be stripped of his title. Many are also speculating that the Mysterious Masked Man is none other than Suharto himself, poised for a comeback of his own. These allegations, however enticing and dramatic, are as yet unverified. For the time being, the Bam-Bang Kid remains the unofficial President of Indonesia, at least until his first title defense during the Indonesian Iron Island Challenge pay-per-view event scheduled for October 24th.
[i]Related Stories: [u]Vince McMahon Proposes Merger of WWE and Republic of Indonesia[/u][/i]
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| Fake News, the Sequel |
| 09.15.04 (4:42 pm) [edit] |
[u]Florida to Hurricanes: “Listen, we really don’t need this shit right now, ok?”[/u]
[i]Florida, U.S.[/i] – Sources report overhearing a heated conversation between the state of Florida, hurricanes Charley, Frances, and Ivan, and tropical storm Jeanne Tuesday. The meeting took place at a local Outback Steakhouse and, although topics ranged from sports, to politics, to grandchildren, discussion revolved mainly around the weather. The conversation became so raucous that the party had to be asked several times to, “Please keep your voices down,” having already disturbed the dining experiences of many of the restaurant’s other customers.
“It was hard not to overhear, really,” said James Halliwell, a patron at the time of the incident. “My wife and I were enjoying our steaks and Fair Dinkum Daquiris when suddenly there was a thunderous outburst from the booth next to us. Someone was yelling something along the lines of, ‘You were asking for it, you little bitch. If you don’t want to get hit, don’t stick your neck out next time.’ We tried to ignore it, but in the end, the atmosphere was so volatile that we had to skip dessert and just leave. I was really looking forward to that Chocolate Thunder from Down Under, too.”
After exchanging pleasantries and putting in an order for a “Bloomin’ Onion,” the Outback’s signature appetizer, Florida and the meteorological phenomena apparently set directly to arguing. According to their server, Sally Mills (26), “Florida just got right up in their faces, and was like, ‘Listen, We really don’t need this shit right now, ok?’ Charley and Frances just sat there playing dumb, like they didn’t know what Florida was talking about, you know? But then Ivan starts kind of laughing a little, like he couldn’t hold it in anymore. That’s when Florida really lost it.”
“Oh, fuck you, Ivan,” the state allegedly responded. “As if We don’t have enough problems with trying to deal with voting scandal after voting scandal, this bizarre Terry Schaivo lawsuit, and Ricky Williams just completely dicking Us over, now we’ve got you bastards riding up Our ass? I mean, come on. Go screw with the Carolinas, they’ve got plenty of free time.”
Florida was referring to the recent pummeling it has taken at the hands of hurricanes Charley and Frances. The damages, physical, economical, and emotional, have been extensive and severe for Florida’s residents, and wave after wave of hurricane attack has all but crippled the state’s ability to serve as a Mecca for (inter)national tourists and the elderly alike.
Mills reported that the debate raged all through the group’s dinner. “Even when I came back to bus some of the plates, they were still going at it. Florida said, ‘And don’t think We don’t see you hovering over there in Puerto Rico just waiting to get up to hurricane status, Jeanne. We know what you’re up to, and you’d better just forget it, right?’ And then Jeanne was all, ‘Oh yeah? Or what, Florida? I’m a tropical storm, what could you possibly do to me?’”
At that point, Florida stormed out of the restaurant, possibly in tears, while Frances, Ivan, Jeanne, and Charley gave each other high fives and finished their entrees. Frances reportedly picked up the tab but left only a 12% tip.
“Man, those hurricanes sure were douchebags,” said Mills. “I felt bad for Florida, I really did, but there’s not much you can do. You try to stand up to them and BAM! They tear the roof off your house.” Mills suggested later that, perhaps if Florida ignores the hurricanes for long enough they may get bored and start bullying a different geographic region.
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