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| Rake News |
| 08.31.04 (7:09 pm) [edit] |
[u]Athlete Fails to Capture Hearts of Nation[/u]
[i]Athens, Greece[/i] – At this year’s Olympic games, the only athlete from the U.S. canoe/kayak delegation to come home with a medal was Rebecca Giddens (27) who claimed silver in the single slalom event of the women’s whitewater kayaking competition. As singular as this achievement was, however, it has not been enough to gain her the countless sponsorships and photo layouts which many athletes enter into the games dreaming of, nor will she earn a mediocre recording career or, most disappointing of all, the hearts of a grateful nation.
Giddens is a former world champion (2002) in the event who lives and trains in San Diego, CA with her husband and coach Eric Giddens. In her race, Giddens rose from fourth place to first before an excellent performance by Elena Koliska of Slovenia dropped her into second. Although Giddens held her head high with pride at the medals ceremony, the sub-championship-caliber performance caused many corporate entities and their advertising firms to turn their heads in shame and disgust.
“I’m afraid that this performance is just not of the quality that [we] want representing ourself],” said Wendy’s Old Fashioned Hamburgers after the final standings were posted.
“You’ve got to understand,” said a commiserative Wheaties, Breakfast of Champions. “In the high-pressure world of breakfast cereal marketing, second place just doesn’t cut it. After all, everyone knows you don’t win silver: you lose gold. People don’t want to have a loser staring back at them as they’re consuming this balanced breakfast of orange juice, grapefruit half and delicious bowl of wheat flavored breakfast flakes.”
The sentiments of these soulless corporations were, unfortunately, corroborated in numerous “man-in-the-street” style interviews that spanned the hours following Giddens’ silver-medal performance.
“I’m sorry, who?” was the standard response from U.S. citizens when asked if they knew about Rebecca Giddens’ accomplishment. Further responses of, “Oh, ok,” and, “Wait, kayaking is an Olympic sport now?” when interviewees were apprised of her success also confirmed the unimpressed attitude most of her fellow Americans have taken towards Giddens.
Long-time Olympic heroism analyst, Jimmy Roberts sympathized with Giddens’ uphill battle for national recognition. “I commend her efforts, but you see, in a sport like kayaking, even a gold medal would likely have not been enough to win over the hard-hearted American public. She probably would have just barely eked out preliminary rounds of three-meter springboard for a prime time slot for her final race. No, with sports that nobody cares about like curling, pentathlon, crew and kayaking, athletes really need to take their lives to the next level if they want to have any hopes for a place in the collective heart of the United States.”
Roberts went on to explain that the reasoning behind America’s lack of exuberance for Rebecca Giddens was not only, “One part ‘obscure sportism,’” but also, “one part ‘not-quite-thereness’ and, most likely, one part ‘bland characterization.’” Roberts qualified his analysis saying that, as he had not heard of Mrs. Giddens previous to this interview, he could not, therefore, accurately ascertain her personal qualities, whether they be ebullient or flat. He did note, however, that the chances of an uninteresting character being part of the equation were, “eighty-five, eighty-seven percent.”
Roberts also offered hope for Giddens’ future. “If she’s looking to compete in [the 2008 Olympic games in] Beijing, she might consider contracting some debilitating illness or injury during the off years. If she could overcome that and go on to win gold, she would have a real shot at a credit card or investment firm commercial, or even a role on a celebrity-themed reality TV show.”
For now, it is unclear what strategy, if any, Giddens will take for the 2008 games, as she was not available at the time of this filing to comment on either her silver medal or any of the remarkable six gold medals and two bronze medals that 19 year-old swimming phenom Michael Phelps earned in Athens.
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| News, No Fakie |
| 08.12.04 (10:03 am) [edit] |
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Man Officially Out of Slang Loop
Dubuque, IA – Gerard Bryant (38) recently accepted defeat at the hands of the rising tide of popular idioms and slang expressions which he has not been able to keep up on. The concession came Monday night at 7:37 pm MDT when he asked his daughter Samantha (11) to pass him a roll at dinner. Her response of, “Fo’ shizzle, my dizzle,” produced a brief, stunned silence followed by Bryant’s flustered response of, “Fuck it, I quit.”
“I thought I was in the clear when I figured out ‘phat’ was the same as ‘bad’ used to be,” Bryant expounded further to his shocked family. “But those aren’t even words! How am I supposed to deal with that? What the hell is a ‘shizzle?’”
Bryant has been on shaky ground in the race to keep afoot with popular colloquialisms since he graduated from the University of Chicago in 1989. “I knew I was in trouble when ‘da bomb’ and ‘no diggity’ came out,” he continued. “That was when I realized that these expressions were just making less and less sense.” In the past, Bryant had also expressed difficulties understanding phrases and terms such as, “up in my grill,” “bling-bling,” and “hella,” but, until Thursday, he had always expressed optimism for future understanding.
Recently, Bryant’s hopes had been buoyed by the heightened popularity of 70’s and 80’s fashion styles, but the crossover appeal of the decades’ respective slang expressions has proved minimal.
“I guess I’m just too old school for my own good,” Bryant said, head in his hands, after a long pause.
Bryant’s wife Julia later expressed relief at her husband’s abandoned crusade. “I know Gerry likes to try to stay up on things and keep pace with Sammie here,” Julia said in an after-dinner interview session over ice cream sundaes with herself and her daughter. “But there comes a point when a man just has to act his age. Do you understand how embarrassing it can be to have a 38 year old man ask for ‘more ketchup, G’ at Bennigan’s? Even if he was black, it would still be totally inappropriate.”
When asked for her appraisal of the situation, daughter Samantha courageously said what all others had been too shy to admit. “Daddy just totally dropped an f-bomb! That’s off the heezy, yo!”
For now, Bryant plans to revert to using only standardized dialect in his conversations. “I guess it’s time to get back to the good old King’s English,” he said perseverating in what was likely an unhealthy manner on the subject after dinner. Analysts, however, are not completely convinced and have some expectations for a reversion to the use of slang words like, “radical,” “keen,” and “boss,” with which Bryant is more comfortable.
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| Flake News |
| 08.04.04 (6:39 pm) [edit] |
[u]Bush Campaign in Full Swing[/u]
[i]Washington, D.C.[/i] - With the Democratic National Convention behind them and the Republican National Convention only a few weeks away, the presumptive Republican ticket of George W. Bush and Dick Cheney has gotten into full swing for the campaign season. Among their many weapons which include the biggest war chest in campaign history, a slew of advertisements both positive and negative, and the most recent additions of Barbara and Jenna Bush, the President’s hip young daughters, perhaps their most potent armament is the “Bush Machine” itself.
Contrary to popular belief, the Bush Machine – or “Georgie Boy” as it’s affectionately known in the White House – is not just a clever metaphor, but is in fact a real machine. The device is an automaton which can serve as an effective stand-in for the real President Bush when important campaign rallies call him away from the often mundane work of running the most powerful nation in the history of the world.
Karl Rove, chief political strategist for the Bush administration, has expressed most emphatically how critical the role is that Georgie Boy has played, and will continue to play, in the Bush administration. “That sumvabitch [[i]sic[/i]] robot done saved us I don’t know how many times. An’ you gotta see that bastard out on the campaign trail. Nothin’ spells political smorgasbord like two $2500-a-plate fundraising dinners in the same night. Got-dayum [[i]sic[/i]]!”
Development of Georgie Boy began even before the President took office as a project run by the Halliburton subsidiary Brown & Root. Once in office, however, the administration handed the project over to NASA in order to speed progress on this all-important piece of political equipment. A fully-operational prototype was completed by the time of Mr. Bush’s first State of the Union address and beta testing began soon afterwards.
Over the last three years, Georgie Boy has been utilized in a multitude of situations: from boring state dinners at which little to no barbecue was served, to explaining Vice President Cheney’s safe-holding at an undisclosed location during times of national crisis. The most customary use of the android, however, can be seen most days during Mr. Bush’s 2-4 p.m. nap time. The machine has also proved invaluable in these times of international uncertainty.
“Save for fundraising events, at which the presence of the real President Bush is necessary to accurately portray his trademark and inimitable everyman-ness, the Bush Machine takes the place of the President in almost all public-speaking engagements these days,” explained National Security Adviser Condaleeza Rice. “It’s simply far too dangerous in the current atmosphere to have the President actually attending all of his own events. Perhaps when the national alert status returns to the safer marigold level. Luckily, we’ve been utilizing Georgie Boy for such a long time now that very few people actually seem to be able to tell the difference anymore.”
“Honestly, I don’t even know if I’m talking to the person or the robot half the time,” said Secretary of State Colin Powell. “It’s just an incredible likeness. I mean, sure, occasionally the thing slips up. Yesterday, for instance, we were having a discussion about the genocide taking place in Sudan and the thing just started spouting off this incredibly apt passage from Hegel’s [i]Philosophy of Right[/i]. We were all shocked for a second until we realized it was just Georgie boy. Dick [Cheney] was in the room and he was even taken aback. Sure, he tried to cover it up, but you could tell.”
“I guess our scientists are maybe a little [i]too[/i] smart,” said Powell.
President Bush is currently on the campaign trail, making a swing through the Midwest. Georgie Boy can be found warming seats, signing bills, and touting the advantages of a free-market based governmental health care system over the classic, “bureaucratic morass of inefficient, Marxist, left-wing programs. Let me tell you something about the opportunity costs of Socialism...”
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