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| Real News? |
| 07.28.04 (6:43 pm) [edit] |
[u]Presidential Nomination Generates Excitement[/u]
[i]Boston, MA[/i] – The official nomination of Senator John Kerry (D-MA) as the Democratic candidate for the Presidency has generated intense excitement in the Kerry camp, in the Democratic National Committee (DNC) as a whole, and also in the media. The pervasive, gleeful attitude stems from the fact that Kerry will no longer need be referred to as the “presumptive” candidate. The change in title could prove the deciding factor in the outcome of a very close Presidential race.
“This couldn’t be more of a boon for us,” said Mary Beth Cahill, Kerry’s campaign manager. “That one word has been hanging over us like a black shroud of death, threatening to suffocate us all. Just listen to it: presumptive. It sounds like some kind of disease, and I’ve been in politics long enough to know that no one’s going to vote for a disease.”
The word does not, in fact, refer to virology or bacteriological strains of illness. From the Latin [i]praesumere[/i] meaning “to anticipate,” “presumptive” merely pointed to Kerry’s unofficial, albeit incontrovertible, status as the Democratic candidate for President until such time as the delegates of the Democratic National Convention conferred the official honor upon him.
Benign as the word may be, Cahill is not the only member of team Kerry whose hopes have risen with the drop of the qualifier. Sources report that even grassroots coordinators are, “thrilled,” “enraptured,” and “cautiously optimistic” about the transformation. One anonymous member even went so far as to say that the candidate’s entire strategy hinged upon the loss of the word. “Remember,” she said. “No presumptive candidate has ever won the White House.”
The buzz has even affected the normally sober news media. When Carl Kasell, announcer for NPR’s morning news program [i]Morning Edition[/i], was apprised of the news, he let out a resounding yell and nearly fell to the ground in hysterics. “You have no idea how hard this has been on me,” he said once he had regained his composure. “It was absolute torture for my thick, sonorous baritone. And the number of times it caught in my throat…I nearly choked to death one morning on that merciless word. Finally, my wife can sleep soundly again.”
CNN’s Wolf Blitzer also expressed relief. “Fantastic,” he said to long-time confidant Larry King, unaware of eavesdroppers. “Now we can stop avoiding Kerry stories. I was starting to get nauseous spending so much time reporting on [Vice President] Cheney. The way he just plows through those pig’s knuckles…God!”
On the other side of this pitched political battle, members of the Bush-Cheney campaign are dismayed about the boost the turn of events has given the Kerry-Edwards ticket in the polls. They vow, however, to remain steadfast in the face of this new adversity. “The President is still confident that he represents the best hopes the country has for prospering in the next four years, And he is confident that the American electorate agrees with him on this,” said White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan referring to presumptive Republican Party candidate President George W. Bush’s campaign for re-election.
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| Enough Fake News To Shake A Stick At |
| 07.21.04 (4:15 pm) [edit] |
[u]Woman Has No Opinion[/u]
[i]Woonsocket, RI[/i] – A recent town meeting was the scene of unexpected indifference Tuesday as local citizen Cynthia Kane stated that she had, “no opinion,” on virtually every aspect of current events. Kane—who was later revealed to be in attendance for the complementary brownies and fruit punch—was questioned thoroughly on topics ranging from the current war in Iraq, to the presidential race, to the new playground being installed at her daughter’s elementary school and could offer no substantive judgments whatsoever, causing severe eye-rolls and frustrated sighs from bystanders.
“I just hope you don’t think she’s a good representative of Woonsocket,” said Marjorie Donaldson spilling coffee as she attempted to pour herself a cup after the meeting at the refreshments table. “I have plenty of opinions, but does anyone ever talk to me? No. You [reporters] always seem to flock to her first, she gives our town a bad name.”
“That’s just Cynthia,” said casual acquaintance Mark Hobson. “She’s been like that since high school, about the only things she really seems to like are brownies. And maybe her husband and children.”
Sources say Kane, who was not voted most likely to do anything in high school, fell into apathy early in life, not evincing strong feelings as early as age two when she neglected to have a favorite stuffed animal, toy, or woobie. This behavior soon developed into a highly unremarkable childhood during which Kane’s parents and teachers hoped for signs of creativity and/or conviction, but saw none.
“It was like teaching a piece of plywood, only less interesting,” said 3rd grade teacher emeritus of Meadowbrook Elementary School, the Rt. Hon. John Sanders. “What was really eerie was the way she always got the same grade on everything she handed in: 75%. And not just in my classes, all the way through high school too. And you know, she didn’t even cry when we read [u]Charlotte’s Web[/u] in class? I’m quite certain she doesn’t have a soul.”
An adolescence fraught with a lack of emotional turmoil gave way to high school and college careers hardly worth commenting on. These were followed by Kane’s current trend of uninvolved adulthood, something which most pundits agree can only lead to a slow, steady, predictable decline into old age and enfeeblement. “Mrs. Kane will not be a septuagenarian whom people will want to emulate in their own autumn years,” said Dr. Thelma Blanch, Professor of gerontology at Brown University. “She will most likely be the older woman whose gaze and oxygen tank people try desperately to avoid. The type known in the field as ‘the grim spectre of death.’”
The people who know citizen Kane the best, her family, insist that she is a different person, “once you get to know her.” Her husband, David Kane, said through an obviously strained grin, “She’s just shy.” When pressed for further comment, he remembered a previous engagement which required the family’s immediate attention and rushed off.
In these days of heated emotions and polarized views, some suggest that Mrs. Kane’s indifference is a good thing. Ed Markey, a 1930’s-era Vaudvilleian, remarked, “A woman without an opinion? Why that’s harder to find than than buried treasure and twice as valuable! Way hey!”
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| Fake News, More or Less |
| 07.14.04 (4:14 pm) [edit] |
[u]Reality Bites Back[/u]
[i]Los Angeles, CA[/i] – Incensed by the recent onslaught of no-holds-barred, sensationalist, raunchy, and poorly scripted reality television programming, Reality has brought a civil lawsuit against K. Rupert Murdoch, chairman and CEO of the News Corporation, and the Fox Broadcasting Company, its subsidiary, on grounds of libel. A statement released Friday reported that Reality is suing for an undisclosed amount in damages caused by, “unconscionable liberties taken by the Fox Broadcasting Company and the News Corporation with the name and notion of Reality and the hostile intent of defaming and discrediting said name.”
The statement, released by the law offices of Feingold, Feingold, and Partners, defines Reality in accordance with Webster’s Dictionary as, “something that is neither derivative nor dependent but exists necessarily.” It goes on to cite over 100 specific grievances, instances in which the reality programming produced by the Fox Broadcasting Company in the past three years has “blatantly and willfully spurned this definition.” The following are among the examples:
17.) Situations which would never, nor should they ever, arise in daily life. This includes, but is not limited to: a.) poor, unattractive women receiving free, state of the art plastic surgery and being lambasted for being unattractive afterwards, b.) people living in a tropical paradise with no rules or responsibilities yet still complaining about it, c.) the exploitation of William Hung’s vocal talents for profit.
53.) The creation of Ryan Seacrest from the mutated DNA of sterilized lab mice.
102.) Use of the caption “Slurp” in ambiguously sexual situations.
Murdoch is said to be in close consultation with his legal staff in hopes of raising a successful counter-suit. In a prepared statement, spokesperson Joe Millionaire II said, “We at Fox stand behind the quality of our programming and we are confident that any argument debating its high caliber and ethical standards will not hold water. Thank you, and why don’t you pick up a copy of the fourth season of [i]The Simpsons[/i] just released on DVD on your way out?”
An anonymous source close to Murdoch, however, raises doubts on this purported confidence. “Rupert is very troubled by the allegations, I haven’t seen him cry like this since he got bit by that dingo when he was 8.” The source went on to say that Murdoch has been overheard saying, “I will [rend Reality in twain with my bare hands]…and [slake my thirst on the blood]…of…[its children],” over and over again late at night.
Outside of the legal arena, however, fans of Fox television programs such as [i]Joe Millionaire[/i], [i]Temptation Island[/i], [i]Joe Millionaire II[/i], and [i]Temptation Island II[/i] have come out in full force to support their favorite shows. A recent rally outside the Fox lot in Hollywood, CA drew literally billions of people to the streets in protest of Reality’s claims. Carrying placards that read, “Vote Reality Off Reality TV!”, “Simon Says: Reality Sings Like A Drunk Toad!”, and “Reality, You Are The Weakest Link,” protesters thronged the streets from sunrise to sunset.
One of the marchers, Meredith Klump of Boston, MA, summed up the power that reality television holds over people saying, “If it wasn’t for reality television, I would have no reason to live. That’s a fact.” When asked if she would consider a murderous rampage as an outlet for her frustration should the lawsuit be decided in Reality’s favor, Klump replied, “Maybe.”
Despite overwhelming public outrage, Reality stands as firmly by its cause as Murdoch does. “Future generations will thank us for eliminating this foul scourge,” said representatives of Reality. “Rest assured, nothing less than the very fate of humanity rests on this lawsuit.”
Catch Fox’s latest reality TV masterpiece, [i]The Simple Life 2[/i], Wednesdays at 9/8 Central.
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| Less Fake News |
| 07.07.04 (6:18 pm) [edit] |
[u]V.P. Nomination Sparks Voter Enmity[/u]
[i]Washington, D.C.[/i] – The latest speculation in the 2004 race for the presidency has centered directly on Democratic party presumptive candidate John Kerry’s presumptive nomination for his presumptive vice presidential running mate. Yesterday morning, all speculation was put to rest as Senator Kerry announced that he had offered the position to Senator John Edwards of South Carolina. While pundits had forecast a corresponding spike in poll numbers for Kerry, they were amazed to find outrage in one vital subsection of the electorate: the secret vote.
“Approval ratings from women, Latinos, homosexuals, even Republicans all shot up with the announcement,” said Kerry spokesperson Dana Chauncey. “But the secret vote’s rating dropped like nothing anyone’s ever seen.”
The secret vote – a bloc of voters made up primarily of conspiracy theorists, occultists, mumbling hermits, investment bankers, and Mel Gibson – saw its approval rating of Mr. Kerry fall from a robust 73% to just over 4% early Tuesday morning. Traditionally this group has voted strictly for non-incumbent candidates, and the same was expected of them in this year’s upcoming election. It appears now, however, that the Kerry campaign will have to do something drastic to regain the confidence of these voters.
Asked if she thought the campaign could recover from such a blow, Chauncey, sweat dripping off her brow, revealed only that, “we’re working aggressively on a strategy.”
One member of the bloc who would only give his name as Mr. X, said that Kerry had alienated his secretive constituency with the unsatisfying announcement of Edwards as his vice presidential nominee. “He turned a giant plot of fertile, rumor-growing soil into a wasteland of obvious conclusions. Really, what Americans does Kerry help by doing that?”
According to X, the rumors had been flying wildly. Potential running mates ranged from Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) to the obligatory Alien to a clone of Mr. Kerry himself, with very much variety in between. “My favorite was the one about Senator McCain,” said Mr. X’s wife, Mrs. X. “Now, most of our friends said that idea was far too pedestrian, but to me it held a certain laughable charm.”
Surprisingly, Kerry’s strongest competitor in the election, President George W. Bush, has not reaped much of the benefits of this latest swing – only gaining two percent of Kerry’s lost voters. “We couldn’t completely desert our core values,” said Mr. X. “Obviously, whoever is in office is covering up multitudes of high-grade secrets that the American public has a right to know. Area 51, the mole people, the true power of J.F.K.’s hair, they’re all kept under tight wraps – particularly in the current administration. No, we have to vote our optimistic consciences in the hopes that these and other sensational secrets will be revealed. We’re just lucky there’s a third candidate this year.”
Rather than putting their support behind President Bush, the secret bloc plans to endorse Independent candidate Ralph Nader. “Now there’s a man you can really wax paranoiac about,” said Mrs. X. “He doesn’t even have an official [i]party[/i] yet! And those shifty little eyes, they’re just precious.”
In an official statement, Nader commented excitedly on the great bolstering power the group’s endorsement had on his campaign which has been otherwise quiet of late. “See? See? I told you somebody would vote for me!”
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