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| Even More Fake News |
| 06.26.04 (6:16 pm) [edit] |
[u]Man Finally Outgrows Nickname[/u]
[i]Alexandria, VA[/i] – Man, Brian "Guzzler" Jordan (47), announced recently that he will no longer respond to the name Guzzler or any of its derivatives, sources confirmed Saturday. In a conversation with local ABC affiliate 6 o'clock news cameraman, Ted Johnson, Jordan explained that, "I'm just getting too old for that, man."
Jordan had been known as Guzzler for the past twenty-seven years prior to his announcement. The name was first attributed to him during a late night get-together at the University of Virginia during which a fellow student remarked of him, "Look at him guzzle that shit! He's a guzzler, man!" By unanimous vote of those present, the name was immediately cemented as Jordan's primary sobriquet. Sources are still unclear as to what, exactly, Jordan was guzzling.
Although he only officially forsook the moniker within the past week, Jordan had expressed qualms about the nickname as far back as 1987 upon the birth of his first child, Brian "B.B." Jordan, Jr. "I guess I'm going to have to straighten myself up now," Jordan was heard to remark in the recovery room after the birth. "No more Guzzler, now it's Mr. Jordan." Friends report, however, that it was not until some years later that they began referring to Jordan as "Guzz" rather than "Guzzler."
"Yeah, most of us just felt it wasn't appropriate anymore once B.B. learned how to talk and started asking what a Guzzler was," said friend John Casper. "Brian never mentioned that it was a problem, though. Actually, he seemed to enjoy it."
The announcement came at a local barbecue of close friends. Jordan was approached several times throughout the evening and greeted as Guzzler or Guzz. Upon each such greeting, he reported his new outlook and suggested that friends now refer to him as either "Brian" or "Jordan."
Some suspect that coercion played a role in the decision. Mike "Hammerfist" Quigly suggested that, "It's all his wife, she's been bringing him down since the day they met. First it was no more drugs, not even pot, then he cut down on the beer, now I look at Guzzler and I don't even recognize him." Quigly, whose views on Jordan's wife Mary Jordan have long been apparent, has said that he plans to continue to use the name Guzzler in order to, "Piss the bitch off."
Mary Jordan is quite pleased about the decision, however she denies any involvement in the process. “This is something Brian just decided to do. Yes, I’ve been hoping that he would do it for a long time now, but I never explicitly pushed him and I only withheld sex once.”
While reactions did range from extreme disappointment to relief, the general response was one of moderate acceptance and most present acclimated quickly to the change. “Honestly, I’m glad he made the change,” said one acquaintance. “I didn’t even know his real name before this. Now that I do, I don’t have to be embarrassed about running into Bradley at the supermarket anymore and wondering if I should be calling him Guzzler or not outside of the context of alcohol.”
In a candid interview after the cookout, Jordan offered this insight: “You know, I’ve got my kids to think about now. I can’t be telling my 17 year old not to drink at these parties he goes to and then have someone say to me, ‘Hey Guzzler, here’s a cold brewski.’ That’s not cool, man.”
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| More Fake News |
| 06.22.04 (7:19 pm) [edit] |
[u]Classic Romantic Novel Pronounced "Lame."[/u]
[i]Red Hook, NY[/i]-The comments of 15 year-old Randy Hartman in a recent session of Mrs. Tabitha Stevens' 10th grade English class have stirred high emotions among the staff and student body alike of Red Hook Regional High School.
Hartman, during a discussion of Mary Shelley’s [i]Frankenstein[/i] remarked, “This book is lame,” and “Frankenstein is lame, what a lame monster.” When corrected by Stevens, 57, that Frankenstein is the name of the creator rather than the monster, Hartman broke into a tirade of some seventeen minutes that comprised most of the rest of the class.
“He’s right you know,” said classmate Jennifer Flanders – a rising star in the school’s Drama Club, who has been described as “radiant” and “super-fine” – after class had been dismissed. “That book really is lame. I mean, I was glad Randy flipped out the way he did because I couldn’t even make it past the first twenty pages it was so boring.” The vigorous nodding of the group of young girls around Flanders is just one sign of the strong popularity of the feeling among students.
An anonymous honors student voiced similar opinions later in the day. “Honestly, the plot’s held together with scotch tape. The whole learning to read thing – come on, even Randy could do better than that. I like Mrs. Stevens and all, but the book really did kind of suck.”
[i]Frankenstein Or, The Modern Prometheus[/i] (1816) has long been hailed as not only a pillar of Romantic fiction, but also as a bedrock of the horror genre. The tale of a young scientist – Frankenstein – who gives life to a monstrous being, the novel follows the path of destruction the monster leaves in his wake upon the trauma of being greeted by humanity with nothing but fear and hatred. The monster has since become an icon of popular culture and even representative of the entire horror genre.
Mrs. Stevens stands by both her decision to assign the book and her love of it. “This book is anything but ‘lame,’” Stevens said. “Not only does it represent the culmination of the Prometheus archetype in Romantic literature, but it chills one’s bones to the very marrow, even today. Just listen to this: ‘It was already one in the morning; the rain pattered dismally against the panes, and my candle was nearly burnt out, when, by the glimmer of the half-extinguished light, I saw the dull yellow eye of the—’ Young man! Pay attention, please. To me, not Ms. Flanders, thank you. Young man, I’m talking to you, don’t walk away from me!”
The faculty of RHRHS stand just as firmly behind Mrs. Stevens as do the students behind Mr. Hartman. “Tabby is right for teaching this book,” said fellow English teacher Mr. Raymond Lapis. “It’s a bona fide classic, and it’s important that these kids learn a little bit about where they come from – even if they learn that life was so dull that a book like [i]Frankenstein[/i] could scare the bejeezus out of ninety-five percent of the population at the time.”
When asked about the appropriateness of a high school English teacher using the word, “bejeezus,” Mr. Lapis did not offer a response.
“I don’t know what that kid’s talking about,” remarked stereotypical physical education teacher Harold Roemer. “That movie almost made me piss my pants when I was his age. I saw it at the Bijou with this girl, Sarah Feinstein – oh wow, was she a fox. I’ll tell you what, that Frankenstein comes at me, I’m running like Randy Johnson just threw a dodge-ball at me. Maybe what Hartman needs is a good ball [-peen hammer, [i]sic[/i]] to the head, knock some sense into him.”
Relations between the students and faculty have not been this strained since the senior prank of 1987. “If they don’t do anything stupid, we won’t do anything stupid,” said head of the teacher’s union and chemistry teacher Susanne Goldman. With unknown sources reporting rumors of a planned, school-wide “Book Drop” for precisely 1:38 p.m. later today, however, one can only imagine the terrifying outcome of this sordid affair.
The very mature Jennifer Flanders will be starring as Eliza in the spring semester RHRHS production of [i]My Fair Lady[/i].
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| Fake News: |
| 06.13.04 (8:15 am) [edit] |
[u]Local Man Investigated for Being an "Unoriginal Bastard"[/u]
[i]Boston, MA [/i]- An investigation is underway this week to probe the involvement of local man Matthew "Koz" Koskowski in, "Being an unoriginal bastard who hasn't come up with a new joke since 1992. And that one wasn't even good!"
Koskowski has recently launched a new "Fake News" initiative through his AOL Instant Messenger profile, something he believes promises to be both, "Funny [i]and[/i] misinformative." Others, however, have different opinions of the 23 year old's new venture.
Sources close to [i]The Onion [/i]and [i]The Daily Show [/i]- two reputable and longstanding fake news agencies - report heavy grumblings over Koskowski's latest attempts at humor. "This guy sucks. He's not funny, and he sucks, and we're going to show everyone just how much he sucks," said reporter who wishes to remain anonymous for security reasons, Jim Anchower from [i]The Onion's[/i] internet offices where he can be found Monday-Friday between 9 a.m. and 6 p.m.
Similar sentiments were echoed at the offices of [i]The Daily Show[/i]."First of all, he's giving fake news a bad name," [i]Daily Show [/i]correspondent Steve Carell said. "Second, it was our idea. This is copyright infringement of the worst kind, or at least plagiarism. I mean, right?"
Official representatives for Koskowski were unavailable for comment at the time of this filing, but friends, family, and co-workers alike have rushed to Koskowski's defense.
"This is such bullshit," friend David "Parillo" Parillo commented. "Koz is a great kid, so what if he busts out a few too many [i]Family Guy[/i] quotes, it makes me and [James] Wexler laugh."
Co-worker Meredith Klump made this admission: "I said Matt was hilarious once. I was trying to talk him up to this girl he likes - he's been pretty depressed and lonely lately, you know, he could use a little action. So, yeah, I told her that he was a great guy and really funny and stuff like that. I mean, it's not like it was a complete lie."
Koskowski's cousin, Mr. Mark Shook, was able to shed some light on the origins of this purported unoriginal bastardry. "See, we used to love [i]The Simpsons[/i] when we were younger," a statement from his New York office reports. "And we used to go around just banging off lines one after another after another - it was just what we did for fun. We could go on for hours like that, we loved it - "What's a battle?" "Did that boy just say 'What's a battle'?" "No he said, 'What's that rattle?' There must be a problem with the heating system." "I could have sworn he said, 'What's a battle?'" "Well, I've had a cold." "Oh, so you hear R's as B's?" "Yes." - The statement continues like this for some thirty-four pages.
[i]Daily Show[/i] anchorman Jon Stewart sees this statement as, "Just more fuel for the fire." Picking up a lead pipe and hefting it, Stewart continued, "We'll be ready. If we don't protect the name of good, fake news operations, who will?"
The proceedings of the inquiry are set to get underway at 7:30 a.m. E.D.T., June 14th in the parking lot outside 1381 Commonwealth Ave. as Koskowski walks unsuspectingly out to his car.
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