[u]Four Dead In Tragic Collar-Popping Accident[/u]
[i]Boston, MA[/i] – The scene outside Boston’s trendy nightspot The Liquor Store Saturday night was one of surprise and horror after a routine collar pop went horribly awry. The disturbing chain of events began when Tran Nguyen (27) of Brookline, who was on line to enter the establishment, attempted to flip the down-turned collar of his striped golf shirt up. It ended with the blood spattered corpses of three young men – Nguyen among them – and one young woman sprawled out on the sidewalk, their lifeless ears unable to hear the screams that echoed around them.
Details of the evening’s events are still sketchy at best. The few eyewitnesses at the scene were, understandably, too shaken up to be of much help to local police or journalists; most are currently undergoing psychiatric treatment for trauma. What is clear at this point is that Nguyen fatally injured himself while in the act of popping his collar. In an apparent effort to exhibit his prodigious machismo, the muscle-bound young man aggressively thrust his collar upwards, only to lacerate his nearby jugular vein with the metal-spiked wristcuff he was wearing.
Accounts vary, but the general outline of the events that followed has Nguyen falling on top of his female companion, Ms. Suzy Everheart (21), who he smothered with his massive pectoral muscles. Stories diverge drastically from this point forward.
One witness claims that Ms. Everheart, during her final throes of life, clawed out at the legs of those around her causing Mr. Juan Garcia (25) to trip and fall into Mr. Clint Heywood (23). Heywood (whose collar was also turned up) then set upon Garcia (who was wearing a shirt without a collar) presumably in retaliation to assumed aggression. This altercation quickly escalated into the brutal stabbing deaths of the two men.
Another prominent line of reasoning posits that Garcia, hearing the muffled screams of Ms. Everheart, attempted to pull her from underneath the considerable bulk of Nguyen, only to dislocate her shoulder. The sudden lack of tension caused him to fly backwards into Heywood. The scream that issued from him upon feeling Everheart’s shoulder separate set off a stampede under which both Garcia and Heywood were trampled, multiple stiletto heels piercing both of their bodies.
There are other accounts as well, none of which are quite so plausible as the two mentioned above. Of course, at this point no reconstruction of the scene goes so far as to explain [i]why[/i] any of the young men in question would presume to pop their collars in the first place. The recent rash of upturned collars has caused many to question the fashion sense of today’s youth. Some have even alleged that Nguyen got no less than what he deserved. And, although the extreme view is offended to the point of callousness, perhaps after the tragic events of Saturday night, today’s youth will think twice before displaying such a reckless attitude toward their collars.
[i]Europe[/i] – “Secret Organization Group al Qaeda Organization in Europe,” the group that perpetrated the tragic and senseless bombings that took place in London today has been awarded the title of “Worst Name for a Company or Organization for 2005.” This unexpected prize augments the already impressive rewards package that the group earned for today’s carnage which included the dumbfounded hatred of billions of people worldwide, a lifetime supply of living in dysenteric hovels and holes in refuge from international police forces, and a copy of the [u]Koran[/u] with all the bits about not killing people highlighted and double-underlined for the intelligence impaired.
The announcement of the award came early this year – it is not usually handed out until the second week in December to allow for late entries. Bruce Javitt, founder and CEO of ThinkTank, Inc., the company that sponsors the award, cited special circumstances that led to today’s decision: “Seriously, have you read the name? It takes three passes just to wrap your head around the fact that the word ‘Organization’ appears in it twice. It’s an astounding piece of verbal ineptitude, and none of us on the judging committee saw a way that anyone could surpass it by year’s end. In fact, we’re thinking of instituting a decade-wide award next winter just so SOGaQOiE can get the recognition it deserves.”
When asked if he foresaw any other groups topping this year’s winner during the rest of the decade, Javitt replied, “Well, there are certainly plenty of stupid people out there, and anything could happen. That said, these guys are really in a class of their own. It’s going to take a major effort to dethrone them.”
Although the award has been officially announced, preparations have not yet begun for the 32nd annual Worst Awards ceremony. The gala will take place on the traditional January 2nd date and will include awards in categories ranging from “Worst Dressed,” to “Worst Sitcom,” and even “Worst Wurst.” In honor of Secret Organization Group al Qaeda Organization in Europe, the event will take place in the newly renovated concert hall at Britain’s famous Scotland Yard. “We hope that this great award will entice many, or even all, of the members of the Organization Group Organization to attend the ceremony. Judging by their name, we assume that at least some of them will be of the right mien to stop by.”
--Best wishes, London, Baghdad, and anywhere else these people are lurking. Let’s fight the Idiocy.
[i]Brooklyn, NY[/i] – During a casual gathering of friends and acquaintances held last Friday evening by James Ignazio and Paul Hampden, area man Ryan Cloverleaf (24) spilled multiple beverages, and later vomited on, an area rug in the common space of the Cobble Hill apartment. The heavy staining and resulting noxious stench have ruined the beige 9’x6’ rug for future use. Sources within the apartment cited over-exuberance for tequila shots as well as a heavy pre-party regimen of marijuana and corn chips as the likely roots of Cloverleaf’s unusually erratic behavior.
Cynthia Mason, a friend of Ignazio’s from college whose hobbies include horseback riding and quilting, was seated next to Cloverleaf at the time of the first spill. “Ryan was drinking a rum and [cola-flavored soda beverage], and I guess he was already a little out of it, because when everyone started laughing at John Goodman yelling at Steve Buscemi in [i]The Big Lebowski[/i] he spun away from his conversation to see what the fuss was about and ended up throwing the rest of his drink all over the carpet. Of course, everyone just started laughing harder once we realized the irony of the situation, and I think someone actually came out and said ‘man, that rug really tied the room together,’ but I don’t think anyone would have laughed if we’d known what was in store for us later on.”
As the evening progressed, Cloverleaf reportedly continued consuming alcoholic beverages at regular intervals to the point that he was visibly staggering and had to lean heavily upon furniture and other guests for support. At one point, as he was seated next to John Sebastian – Goucher College graduate, class of 2002 and backgammon enthusiast – and swaying gently back and forth, he began to pour his drink onto the floor without realizing it. “I had to stop him, take his cup and put it on the table,” said Sebastian. “It didn’t even register when I told him what he had been doing. He just gave this sort of confused smile and went back to staring at nothing. That was when I realized that the night probably wasn’t going to end well for Ryan.”
By the time guests began to make their ways back home, Cloverleaf was judged by his hosts to be in no shape to venture into the streets of the city alone so they allowed him to remain where he was: unconscious and face-down on the living room rug. “At the time,” said Ignazio, “we thought he would just sleep it off. We began preparing for his hangover, but while we were discussing where to go out for breakfast in the morning, we heard him start to retch. Before we knew it, there was Ryan lying in a pool of his own discolored vomit in the middle of the floor. We took a couple of pictures, and then dragged him into the bathtub. By that point, there wasn’t much we could do about the rug.”
When reached for comment, Cloverleaf said, “Well, I guess the lesson I learned here is that my actions don’t really have consequences as long as I can pay for the damages. And since my parents are pretty rich, I’d say that’s an important lesson.” Indeed, Ignazio and Hampden reported that they were initially “disappointed” by Cloverleaf’s behavior, but their spirits were raised the next morning when Cloverleaf offered to pay for a new rug as well as the two young men’s breakfasts. Onlookers observed the three joking and laughing yesterday as they traveled to a local Home Depot in search of a new floor covering.
[i]Lexington, MA[/i] – Some three weeks ago, the residents of 309 Marrett Rd. were surprised to discover that their prized lawn ornament goose had disappeared without a trace. Assuming that they had been the victims of a malicious act of thievery, the men brought the incident to the attention of the local constabulary, only to be brusquely turned out with not one word of encouragement after filing their report. With no progress from the police since the time of the initial visit and no serious replies to their offer of a beer-flavored reward for the safe return of the goose, the men of 309 Marrett Rd. have decided to take things into their own hands.
At a press conference held earlier today, Stefano “Steve” Mineo announced the change in strategy as the unofficial spokesperson of the household known for its zany lifestyle and associations with Neil Diamond and various Latino firefighters. “Hey, we just want our goose back. If it’s on our doorstep tomorrow, everybody wins, no questions asked. But to whoever committed this heinous act, know that this is your last chance: return the goose peacefully, or we will find you and we will rain down almighty vengeance upon you.”
Mineo revealed that the self-proclaimed “Marrett Men” have narrowed their search down to a few suspects, but in the interest of maintaining the integrity of the ongoing case, he would not elaborate further. Another member of the household, however, did.
Brett “Siggy” Sigworth, in return for a bribe of some small trinkets and baubles, told this reporter that, while the initial suspect was David “Darilla” Parillo – himself a member of the house, known for his penchant for borrowing things and also for his tendency to forget that he had borrowed things – the Marrett Men have since turned their attention to their erstwhile friends known simply as “Elko.”
Elko, so named for the street on which they live, consists of Matthew “Koz” Koskowski, Nathan “Rellish” Kellish, James “Bengis” Wexler and Julia “Ju” Elder. Elko have maintained their innocence since they first found out about the tragedy, issuing numerous appeals for the Marrett Men to listen to reason. These have come to little avail, however, and have in fact only elevated suspicions.
“Oh, it was definitely Elko,” said Marrett Man Chris “Beaver” Goscinski, echoing the sentiments of Sigworth after the conference. “And those bastards are going to get it. We’ve got plans, just you wait.”
None of the housemates would give away any details as to what those plans might be. The closest anyone came was during Tim “Toolman” Trainor’s brief insane screams at the microphone, channeling what appeared to be dialogue from an old Ren and Stimpy cartoon:
“We Louts are angry! We are [i]sore[/i]! Matt Koz and Wexler cheated! Next time we see you guys, it’ll be in the street! We’ll break your bones. We’ll grind you into putty. We’ll tear your faces off! You haven’t heard the last of us. This is war! We are generals, you are the enemy! Beware Matt Koz! Beware Kellish! We know where you live, we know where your parents live! We will have our [i]revenge[/i]!!”
As those around him attempted to subdue Trainor, he grew more animated and began to gesticulate wildly, continuing, “No! I wanna holler the loud, funny words! I like Darren, he is my friend! I like you, [i]and[/i] him! He likes me! And I like him! He likes you! [i]IHOP[/i]!! I like his autograph! It is a nice picture! He is [i]NICE[/i]!!” Once calm had returned to the room again, Trainer gave only the cryptic explanation, “I’m a wooden boy,” before leaving the podium.
Following Trainor’s bizarre outburst, the remaining residents of 309 Marrett Rd. – excepting David “Kahn” Kahn who was away vacationing in Maine and unavailable for comment – each said a few words expressing their hopes for the safety of the goose and their wishes for its speedy return.
In a final, heartfelt plea for mercy, Parillo took the podium carrying a hollow, plastic penguin. “Whoever did this,” he said, his words ringing clear into the Lexington morning. “I beseech you. Look into the eyes of this penguin and feel the sorrow that he feels. You know as well as we do that a Beaver is no partner for a penguin. A penguin needs a goose. Reach deep inside your heart and find the warmth that rests there; bring this penguin back his goose. Please.”
Only time will tell what becomes of the poor goose. If you have any information pertaining to its whereabouts, please contact the Marrett Men or the Lexington Police Department as soon as is humanly possible.
[i]Baltimore, MD[/i] – Scientists wearing glasses and lab coats at the Center on Aging and Health at Johns Hopkins University announced today that they have proven that, no matter the level of celebrity a person has attained, famous people die too. “This is a sad day for famous people everywhere,” said one researcher who is not famous. “But the truth must be told. We hope that these data will help all famous people cope with the struggle that they now know lays before them.”
The research staff acknowledged that recent events emphasizing human mortality played a large part in the findings. The recent rash of deaths of famous and very-famous people such as ex-president Ronald Reagan, comedian Mitch Hedberg, and Pope John Paul II provided important support to the hypothesis.
While the scientists had a wealth of information to cull from the daily obituaries, TV news magazines, and supermarket tabloids, the case that put the final nail in the coffin was the death of someone who began her journey into the hereafter as a not very famous person at all: Terry Schiavo.
“The Schiavo case,” one researcher remarked, “presented an amazing confluence of events. It was an instance in which a woman was not only stuck between life and death, but one which pitted opposing sides, actively pushing her towards either end, against each other. And then things really heated up when Congress and the media got involved. It was at that point that Terry Schiavo became a legitimately famous person.” Monitoring events closely, the research team was able to put together the closing arguments of their thesis based on Terry Schiavo’s fate.
“Just look at the situation: a woman achieves fame through the battle over her continuing survival. Now, if it was true that famous people do [i]not[/i] die, the end result would have been the re-insertion and continued use of her feeding tube, thus prolonging her life nigh indefinitely. Today we know that even fame was not enough to help her outrun death, nor would it be for anyone. These are facts that we scientists can no longer dispute.”
The research presented strikes a resounding blow in a debate that has long raged in the scientific community. “There’s string theory, nature/nurture, and then famous people,” one scientist explained. “Specifically, are famous people better than non-famous people? And if so, how much better are they?” He went on to add with a little grin that was so smug – ooh you can just tell he’s so jealous – “With research like this, we’re beginning to blur the line between fame and obscurity.”
The current research will appear in an upcoming edition of the journal [i]Star Magazine[/i], but the team does not plan on stopping there. In an attempt to further examine the effects of fame on reality, the researchers will next ponder the age-old question: do famous people actually get fat?
[i]Mont Pelier, VT[/i] – Pine Tree elementary school was the site Thursday of the unseating of reigning rock-paper-scissors champion George Roberts of the 5th grade by upstart 4th grader Seth Johnson. In a rochambeau for the ages, Johnson and Roberts were pitted against each other in a best 2 out of 3 contest throughout most of recess before Johnson finally emerged victorious with a cunningly timed rock to beat Roberts’s scissors.
The duel began, as many expected it would, with Roberts gaining an early advantage. After both competitors threw rock on the first turn, Roberts followed up with a paper to cover Johnson’s second round rock. After the quick start, however, the challengers settled in to what would become an epic series of doubles.
“After that first quick loss, I knew I was in trouble,” said Johnson after the match. “But I just took a deep breath and tried to let my training take control over my consciousness.”
Indeed both Johnson and Roberts seemed to enter trance-like states for most of the battle, their eyes barely open, bodies still and relaxed save for their pumping fists. Spectators later described the sight as “awe-inspiring,” and “pretty neat.” Dana Sedgewick, a 5th grader and Roberts’s alleged girlfriend, had a vantage point virtually right on top of the action and perhaps summed it up better than anyone. “I’ve never seen anything like it. It was more than rock-paper-scissors; it was art – a masterpiece.”
After Roberts’s second throw victory, both competitors threw scissors, then rock, scissors, scissors, paper, scissors, paper, paper, rock and scissors as the contest entered a streak of 327 consecutive draws. The next score was set up when Johnson and Roberts both simultaneously employed the Bonetti series – named after Charlie Bonetti, a 19th century rock-paper-scissors master, this is a complex pattern of 43 sequential throws designed to throw one’s opponent off balance. Both Roberts and Johnson appeared to notice the strategy of the other 11 throws into the series as they both diverted from the scripted 12th throw of paper and each threw scissors instead. This led to 31 playful draws that brought smiles to Roberts’s and Johnson’s faces and consisted of precisely the opposite throws of those prescribed by the Bonetti defense. Once the altered series was completed, the amazing run was finally broken up 10 throws later following draws of paper, paper and scissors when Johnson’s further scissors cut Roberts’s paper.
After a short break in the action punctuated by the amazed gasps of the audience, the opponents played out a thrilling series not likely to be repeated of no less than 546 draws, the highlight of which was a mind-bending set of 22 straight rocks followed by 3 papers, 2 scissors and a further 12 rocks.
The contest finally concluded on the 876th throw. Following draws of scissors, scissors, scissors, rock, paper, scissors and paper, Roberts’s scissors was defeated by Johnson’s rock which Johnson immediately thrust into the air as a proclamation of victory. The opponents then looked to each other and embraced in a show of sportsmanship rarely seen in this day and age.
Afterwards Roberts, whose win streak of 657 matches had come to an end, remarked that, “after a match like that, you’re just proud to have been a part of it. Sure I’m disappointed with the loss, but that was one for the record books.” When asked about the possibility of a rematch, Roberts replied thusly: “There’s plenty of time for a rematch. Right now I just want to spend some time with my family and regain my focus.”
Johnson for his part was magnanimous, extolling the virtues of his competitor only moments after defeating him. “George is a great role model of mine. Just the chance to be able to compete with him was an honor. I only hope that I’m up to the task of following in his footsteps as Pine Tree’s champion.”
The school was abuzz with news of Johnson’s victory for the rest of the afternoon, and will likely be talking about the momentous contest at least until next month’s tetherball tournament begins.
[u]President Promises Aid to Alaska’s Wildlife[/u]
[i]Washington, D.C.[/i] – The Senate earlier this week, by a 51-49 vote, passed a provision to the nation’s budget proposal that will allow industry to explore the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge as a potential source for oil. At a press conference afterwards, President Bush lauded the vote as an important step toward both American energy independence and also the democratization of Alaska’s wildlife.
The public has long been aware of the President’s enthusiasm for this project as a means to enhance U.S. standing in relation to other oil-producing nations such as Russia and the members of OPEC. The second of the Presidents assertions, that increased oil production would “free indigenous Alaskans from a tyrannical regime” took the media in attendance by surprise and was, therefore, the focus of most of the briefing. The President spent some time elaborating on his comments, but noted that an official White House release would be forthcoming.
“For too long has Alaska been America’s bastard son, ignored in the cold wastes of the north, left to fend for itself. Today we press forward on the path of the legitimization of our largest state. The many tribes of the Alaskan refuge have long needed a powerful symbol to gather around, to give them a sense of community, a sense of purpose. I say to you, oil will be that symbol.
“The oil that will be extruded from beneath Alaskan soil – we’re talking up to 1 million barrels a day, people. That’s a lot of trips to Wal-Mart and back. This oil will be a beacon, a light to guide Alaska and America into the future.”
The President continued by outlining potential benefits to the state and country including an extensive profit-sharing plan that would involve, not only the Alaskan citizenry, but also the Alaskan wildlife itself.
“Thanks to their great sacrifice, the many inhabitants of the Alaskan Wildlife Refuge will all enjoy discounted gas prices for as long as they should choose to make their homes in the confines of the reserve. This includes fuel for the park rangers to travel across the many miles of the refuge, managing and protecting it. It includes the population of mighty beaver who will now be able to forego the destruction of their teeth and instead use gas-powered chainsaws in the construction of their majestic dams. And don’t forget the powerful grizzly bears. Their humorous miniature cars have been on blocks for too long. With the new supply of oil, they can afford to put those cars back on the road and drive them to the tune of whatever circus-themed song they choose. Yes, all will reap the vast benefits of this program.”
The President went on like this for some forty-five minutes, promising ends to the plights of “disenfranchised caribou and disillusioned wolverines.” His ambitious plan also includes tax revenues which will be collected from sales of the Alaskan oil and funneled back into local economies to fund public works and “to bring schools of salmon up to speed on ‘No Child Left Behind.’” The design for the commemorative Alaska quarter was also revealed as picturing an arctic hare giving the thumbs up sign while posing among a field of oil wells.
The President also commented that, though the process of restructuring the Alaskan Refuge is “a process,” and as such it will take some time for these plans to come to fruition, once in full effect they will offer the Alaskan populace a sense of unity that they never experienced under the former, oil-less regime.
When a reporter for the [i]Los Angeles Times[/i] pointed out that the wildlife in question may not enjoy the described benefits as thoroughly as the President asserted they would, President Bush replied, “Listen, Jerry. Why don’t you go try to gnaw down one of those trees on the White House lawn and we’ll see how long it is before you’re gassing up [i]your[/i] chainsaw.” The press conference was concluded after the laughter had died down and the reporters had forgotten what the question was.
[i]Los Angeles, CA[/i] – Trial proceedings began this afternoon in the case against inveterate womanizer Pepe Le Pew for his actions on February 14th, 2005. Le Pew, known primarily for his lengthy career with the Warner Brothers cartoon studios, has pled not guilty to the charge of aggravated sexual assault laid against him by the state of California.
According to the state, Mr. Le Pew made repeated and unwelcome overtures of a sexual nature, both verbal and physical, toward Ms. Mimi Le Mew on the night in question using a variety of disguises and languages. Assistant District Attorney Donald Glazer summarized Le Pew’s actions in his opening statement today describing them as, “offensive, lewd and aggressive to the point of reducing Ms. Le Mew to the quivering, traumatized woman you see before you today.”
Legal rhetoric aside, Le Pew allegedly stalked Ms. Le Mew for six hours as she tried to evade his advances by hiding in trees, barrels and abandoned railway tunnels. Their brief encounters, according to Ms. Le Mew, amounted to “thousands of burning kisses on my face and arms and egregious and painful heinie pinching,” all while Ms. Le Mew fought “tooth and nail” to escape Le Pew’s constricting grasp.
Le Pew will be defending himself – he received a law degree from Le Sorbonne before emigrating from France in the 1940’s. He used his opening statement to lay the groundwork of a defense that appears to consist of little more than arguing that he is a “lusty Frenchman” and should therefore be excused. What seems at first glance to be a trifling strategy may in fact have precedent on its side. In [i]California v. Coyote[/i] (1989), one Wile E. Coyote was acquitted of 2nd degree murder charges following a killing spree that left 37 roadrunners ([i]Tastius Treatius[/i]) dead in its wake. Because of Coyote’s feral background and culture, the jury exonerated him. Although the case has held up staunchly against appeal since it was first tried, Coyote’s defense also contained a heavy mental illness component (as a young man, he was tormented for years by a sociopathic road runner), a point which A.D.A. Glazer will be loath to overlook.
Thus far, Le Pew’s defense appears to be holding up: his amorous advances appear to know no bounds. During the morning’s proceedings, Mr. Le Pew openly propositioned Barbara the court stenographer, Jerry the bailiff, and jurors numbers 4, 7 and 9. If Le Pew’s primary strategy does fail, however, he may well be able to fall back on another, more natural defense. As the defendant is a skunk, he emits a powerful, noxious odor at all times. This odor became strong enough during the trial’s first day to force the judge to call seven separate recesses. If a permanent solution to this problem is not found (flowers wilt in its presence and gas masks are too cumbersome), a mistrial may have to be declared.
Should Le Pew’s efforts be thwarted, he will likely face some jail time as well as forced registration with the sex offender registry. More harmful to Le Pew personally, though, would be the stain on his honor, for as he commented in his opening statements this morning, “A man weethout honor, he eez nothing.”
[i]Washington, D.C.[/i] – Secretary of State Colin Powell announced his upcoming resignation Monday, the most high-profile resignation yet among an otherwise mediocre group of lame duck cabinet members. Also announcing their departures Monday were Secretary of Agriculture, Ann Veneman, Secretary of Energy, Spencer Abraham and Secretary of Education, Rod – I didn’t catch his last name, so let’s just say – Stewart. Powell’s announcement caused an enormous media blitz that ranged from encomiums to elegies. News regarding the other three Secretaries, however, was received dismissively where it was received at all, leading to frustration – and in one case tears – within the group.
For many of the lower-profile, “under-”secretaries of the cabinet, the statement of resignation is the one moment in their White House careers in which they receive attention from the news media; be it in the form of accolades or polemics, it is often the crowning moment of a predominantly dull four-to-eight years of creating the very policies that drive the nation into the future.
Before he heard of Mr. Powell’s news, Rod Stewart assumed that his announcement would supply him with his justly-deserved fifteen minutes of fame before his scheduled fade into the masses of high-powered lawyers, immensely influential lobbyists and brazen-mouthed pundits that litter the streets of Washington. Afterwards, he could only weep.
“I mean, look at this headline from cnn.com,” the exasperated Secretary of Education said through streaming tears. “‘Powell resigns with 3 other secretaries.’ And they barely even mention my name in the article itself. Not even a blurb about [the] ‘No Child’ [Left Behind Act]. How am I supposed to give that to my mother for my scrapbook? You tell me how I overcome this shame!”
The article dedicated almost all of its 892 words to Powell’s withdrawal, touching briefly upon his career, his plans for the future and speculation about his successor. The Secretaries of Education, Energy and Agriculture may or may not have been mentioned somewhere near the bottom.
The normally poised Secretary of Energy, Spencer Abraham also expressed dissatisfaction at the lack of attention to his own career choice. “That [expletive deleted], Powell, he’s such a [expletive deleted] prima donna. [Expletive]’s on the cover of the Times every other day and he can’t even give me this one thing. And listen to this, I was at this party once, right, and that [expletive] [expletive] was [expletive deleted] a chicken–”
Anonymous sources indicate that Abraham’s particular vexation was compounded by the fact that he had chosen his moment of resignation with the intent of upstaging Secretaries Stewart and Veneman, thus bolstering the media attention on himself as the most controversial among the three. This is a tactic Abraham has employed in the past (his campaign for 7th grade Treasurer being the first occasion) and, in a note to a junior aide, he referred to his plans by saying, “Now that Ashcroft’s out, we can really pull an Abrahamma’ Slamma,’” on Stewart and Veneman.
When approached with such accusations of his own showboating, Abraham replied, “Oh, that’s just that [expletive]bag excuse for a Secretary of Education spreading [expletive, rhymes with “pull bit”] again. He’s just mad because I grabbed his wife’s [expletive] at the Christmas party last year. What was I supposed to do? I thought it was his daughter! Ha!”
For her own part, Secretary of Agriculture Ann Veneman was not particularly put off by the non-events surrounding her exit. “Are you kidding? To be mentioned in the same breath as Mr. Powell, that’s the best thing I could have hoped for. This is the kind of spontaneous publicity that really makes somebody. Things are going to start happening to me now!” When asked about her plans for the immediate future she noted that they included tying up agriculturally-related loose ends, overseeing the Farm Service Agency County Committee elections that are currently underway, and trying to get Condoleezza Rice to sign her autograph book.
Colin Powell was not immediately available for comment.
[u]Blogger’s Unannounced Absence Greeted With Silent Outrage[/u]
[i]Boston, MA[/i] – Matthew Koskowski (23) of Boston Massachusetts recently returned to his post as unofficial fake news correspondent for the metro area after an unannounced sabbatical lasting nearly two months. During this time, which Koskowski used to brush up on his yo-yo/juggling skills and teach himself macramé, his legions of readers let forth an outraged, but silent, call against his absence.
“I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize for my callous selfishness during these hard times,” Koskowski said in a statement released Tuesday. “You, the public, needed a mediocre source of fake news, and I left you swaying in the breeze like so many hanged men and women. Your voices choked with rage, and possibly tuna fish, you sent out a voiceless wail, and I am here now to let you know that I heard your anti-vociferous scream of silence: I’m back.”
The “author” classifies this apparent inaction as an example of civil disobedience in the same vein as the landmark Birmingham bus boycotts of the 1960s. While he was away, Koskowski noted that he received less than five total requests for a return to his fake news [we]blog. “Well, call it one,” he added. “Obviously the message was clear.”
That message, according to Koskowski, was “Come back now, you’re doting public needs you.” Anonymous sources, however, assert that a somewhat different message was intended by the lack of a public outcry.
“To tell the truth,” said one less than devoted reader, “I’d forgotten he was still writing the thing. I think I stopped reading somewhere around the reality TV article. I wouldn’t have known that he’d stopped updating the page except you just told me.”
In the words of another of Koskowski’s so-called fans, “Who’s writing what now?”
Nevertheless, Koskowski remains resolute in his return to the arena of public discourse and plans to release what he assures nervous investors will be a “critically acclaimed, blockbuster compilation of [his] articles” in the near future. “Never again will my adoring ‘Koz-heads’ go without semi-clever turns of phrase, half-smirk-inducing puns, or moderately laughable fictitious situations. Your complaints have been heard in all of their resounding muteness, and I can do naught but obey.”
[i]Jakarta, Indonesia[/i] – The former General Susilo Bambang “The Bam-Bang Kid” Yudhoyono and incumbent President Megawati “Mega-Watt!” Sukarnoputri faced off in a no-holds-barred, Texas-style cage match Monday night. On the line was nothing less than the title of President of Indonesia. In a bout that lasted over 3 hours, during which both opponents struggled valiantly and heroically, it was the Bam-Bang Kid who finally grappled his way to the top of the cage to claim the presidential belt.
It was a fight that the candidates had been all but foaming at the mouth to have. Strained relations between the two date back to Bam-Bang’s involvement in the militaristic “Strong-Rule” regime headed by then title-holder Suharto whose tenure was marked by dictatorial restrictions on personal freedoms and the spilling of copious amounts of innocent blood. Eventually, when Suharto finally stepped down in the face of a coup and relinquished his title as Undisputed President, a civil administration was formed by Suharto’s arch-nemesis “The Mighty Sukarno,” Mega-Watt!’s father.
Mega-Watt! and Bam-Bang appeared to have put their differences behind them, however, when Bam-Bang accepted a position in Mega-Watt!’s coalition of politicos, known simply as “The Coalition.” During his brief stint with The Coalition, the Bam-Bang Kid (who went by the moniker “The Security Minister” at the time) seemingly forged a deep alliance with Mega-Watt! and the two battled successfully in many pivotal tag-team matches.
But, in a shocking move, the Bam-Bang Kid split from The Coalition early last spring to begin a soulful, lone-wolf quest to reach the apex of Indonesian civil service, leaving his ex-partner incensed. Harold Crouch, an impartial Australian who announced the match, commented that, “ever since Bam-Bang went off on his own to train in the shadow of [the volcano] Mount Merapi, Mega-Watt! has just been itching to get him back in the ring and teach him a lesson.”
As the match started, Mega-Watt! looked like she was going to make the most of her opportunity, catching Bam-Bang off guard the moment the bell rang with a quick haymaker followed by a reverse suplex that left her opponent writhing on the mat. But after a missed body slam from the top rope, Mega-Watt! had lost her opening advantage.
After the opening salvo, the match raged back and forth, neither wrestler appearing to be able to completely crack the other’s defenses. A dizzying spin-throw to the ropes by Mega-Watt! was quickly countered by a clothesline from the returning Bam-Bang Kid; a volley of head-slams to the turnbuckle by Bam-Bang was nullified by a reverse head butt and figure-four leg lock combination from Mega-Watt!.
The turning point came in the 2nd hour of the fight, after both Mega-Watt! and the Bam-Bang Kid had unsuccessfully attempted their special finishing moves (the Sukarno Stomp and the Bam-Bam-Bang-Bang Body Slam respectively). It was at this point that, while both the referee and Mega-Watt! were distracted by rowdy fans, a Mysterious Masked Man slipped a metal folding chair into the cage and the Bam-Bang Kid proceeded to pummel Mega-Watt! about the head and back with the illicit weapon. After that turn of events, Mega-Watt!, sluggish and drained, was unable to mount any further significant attacks. Some thirty-six minutes later, the Bam-Bang Kid executed his Bam-Bam-Bang-Bang Body Slam leaving Mega-Watt! unconscious on the canvas as he captured the Presidency.
Although the Bam-Bang Kid was declared the winner of the election, the results are still unofficial pending the judgment of a complaint filed by Mega-Watt!. It is her camp’s contention that Bam-Bang and the Mysterious Masked Man were working in tandem – in direct opposition to the “One Man Only” clause of the match contract – and that the Bam-Bang Kid should, therefore, be stripped of his title. Many are also speculating that the Mysterious Masked Man is none other than Suharto himself, poised for a comeback of his own. These allegations, however enticing and dramatic, are as yet unverified. For the time being, the Bam-Bang Kid remains the unofficial President of Indonesia, at least until his first title defense during the Indonesian Iron Island Challenge pay-per-view event scheduled for October 24th.
[i]Related Stories: [u]Vince McMahon Proposes Merger of WWE and Republic of Indonesia[/u][/i]
[u]Florida to Hurricanes: “Listen, we really don’t need this shit right now, ok?”[/u]
[i]Florida, U.S.[/i] – Sources report overhearing a heated conversation between the state of Florida, hurricanes Charley, Frances, and Ivan, and tropical storm Jeanne Tuesday. The meeting took place at a local Outback Steakhouse and, although topics ranged from sports, to politics, to grandchildren, discussion revolved mainly around the weather. The conversation became so raucous that the party had to be asked several times to, “Please keep your voices down,” having already disturbed the dining experiences of many of the restaurant’s other customers.
“It was hard not to overhear, really,” said James Halliwell, a patron at the time of the incident. “My wife and I were enjoying our steaks and Fair Dinkum Daquiris when suddenly there was a thunderous outburst from the booth next to us. Someone was yelling something along the lines of, ‘You were asking for it, you little bitch. If you don’t want to get hit, don’t stick your neck out next time.’ We tried to ignore it, but in the end, the atmosphere was so volatile that we had to skip dessert and just leave. I was really looking forward to that Chocolate Thunder from Down Under, too.”
After exchanging pleasantries and putting in an order for a “Bloomin’ Onion,” the Outback’s signature appetizer, Florida and the meteorological phenomena apparently set directly to arguing. According to their server, Sally Mills (26), “Florida just got right up in their faces, and was like, ‘Listen, We really don’t need this shit right now, ok?’ Charley and Frances just sat there playing dumb, like they didn’t know what Florida was talking about, you know? But then Ivan starts kind of laughing a little, like he couldn’t hold it in anymore. That’s when Florida really lost it.”
“Oh, fuck you, Ivan,” the state allegedly responded. “As if We don’t have enough problems with trying to deal with voting scandal after voting scandal, this bizarre Terry Schaivo lawsuit, and Ricky Williams just completely dicking Us over, now we’ve got you bastards riding up Our ass? I mean, come on. Go screw with the Carolinas, they’ve got plenty of free time.”
Florida was referring to the recent pummeling it has taken at the hands of hurricanes Charley and Frances. The damages, physical, economical, and emotional, have been extensive and severe for Florida’s residents, and wave after wave of hurricane attack has all but crippled the state’s ability to serve as a Mecca for (inter)national tourists and the elderly alike.
Mills reported that the debate raged all through the group’s dinner. “Even when I came back to bus some of the plates, they were still going at it. Florida said, ‘And don’t think We don’t see you hovering over there in Puerto Rico just waiting to get up to hurricane status, Jeanne. We know what you’re up to, and you’d better just forget it, right?’ And then Jeanne was all, ‘Oh yeah? Or what, Florida? I’m a tropical storm, what could you possibly do to me?’”
At that point, Florida stormed out of the restaurant, possibly in tears, while Frances, Ivan, Jeanne, and Charley gave each other high fives and finished their entrees. Frances reportedly picked up the tab but left only a 12% tip.
“Man, those hurricanes sure were douchebags,” said Mills. “I felt bad for Florida, I really did, but there’s not much you can do. You try to stand up to them and BAM! They tear the roof off your house.” Mills suggested later that, perhaps if Florida ignores the hurricanes for long enough they may get bored and start bullying a different geographic region.
[i]Athens, Greece[/i] – At this year’s Olympic games, the only athlete from the U.S. canoe/kayak delegation to come home with a medal was Rebecca Giddens (27) who claimed silver in the single slalom event of the women’s whitewater kayaking competition. As singular as this achievement was, however, it has not been enough to gain her the countless sponsorships and photo layouts which many athletes enter into the games dreaming of, nor will she earn a mediocre recording career or, most disappointing of all, the hearts of a grateful nation.
Giddens is a former world champion (2002) in the event who lives and trains in San Diego, CA with her husband and coach Eric Giddens. In her race, Giddens rose from fourth place to first before an excellent performance by Elena Koliska of Slovenia dropped her into second. Although Giddens held her head high with pride at the medals ceremony, the sub-championship-caliber performance caused many corporate entities and their advertising firms to turn their heads in shame and disgust.
“I’m afraid that this performance is just not of the quality that [we] want representing ourself],” said Wendy’s Old Fashioned Hamburgers after the final standings were posted.
“You’ve got to understand,” said a commiserative Wheaties, Breakfast of Champions. “In the high-pressure world of breakfast cereal marketing, second place just doesn’t cut it. After all, everyone knows you don’t win silver: you lose gold. People don’t want to have a loser staring back at them as they’re consuming this balanced breakfast of orange juice, grapefruit half and delicious bowl of wheat flavored breakfast flakes.”
The sentiments of these soulless corporations were, unfortunately, corroborated in numerous “man-in-the-street” style interviews that spanned the hours following Giddens’ silver-medal performance.
“I’m sorry, who?” was the standard response from U.S. citizens when asked if they knew about Rebecca Giddens’ accomplishment. Further responses of, “Oh, ok,” and, “Wait, kayaking is an Olympic sport now?” when interviewees were apprised of her success also confirmed the unimpressed attitude most of her fellow Americans have taken towards Giddens.
Long-time Olympic heroism analyst, Jimmy Roberts sympathized with Giddens’ uphill battle for national recognition. “I commend her efforts, but you see, in a sport like kayaking, even a gold medal would likely have not been enough to win over the hard-hearted American public. She probably would have just barely eked out preliminary rounds of three-meter springboard for a prime time slot for her final race. No, with sports that nobody cares about like curling, pentathlon, crew and kayaking, athletes really need to take their lives to the next level if they want to have any hopes for a place in the collective heart of the United States.”
Roberts went on to explain that the reasoning behind America’s lack of exuberance for Rebecca Giddens was not only, “One part ‘obscure sportism,’” but also, “one part ‘not-quite-thereness’ and, most likely, one part ‘bland characterization.’” Roberts qualified his analysis saying that, as he had not heard of Mrs. Giddens previous to this interview, he could not, therefore, accurately ascertain her personal qualities, whether they be ebullient or flat. He did note, however, that the chances of an uninteresting character being part of the equation were, “eighty-five, eighty-seven percent.”
Roberts also offered hope for Giddens’ future. “If she’s looking to compete in [the 2008 Olympic games in] Beijing, she might consider contracting some debilitating illness or injury during the off years. If she could overcome that and go on to win gold, she would have a real shot at a credit card or investment firm commercial, or even a role on a celebrity-themed reality TV show.”
For now, it is unclear what strategy, if any, Giddens will take for the 2008 games, as she was not available at the time of this filing to comment on either her silver medal or any of the remarkable six gold medals and two bronze medals that 19 year-old swimming phenom Michael Phelps earned in Athens.
Dubuque, IA – Gerard Bryant (38) recently accepted defeat at the hands of the rising tide of popular idioms and slang expressions which he has not been able to keep up on.The concession came Monday night at when he asked his daughter Samantha (11) to pass him a roll at dinner.Her response of, “Fo’ shizzle, my dizzle,” produced a brief, stunned silence followed by Bryant’s flustered response of, “Fuck it, I quit.”
“I thought I was in the clear when I figured out ‘phat’ was the same as ‘bad’ used to be,” Bryant expounded further to his shocked family.“But those aren’t even words!How am I supposed to deal with that?What the hell is a ‘shizzle?’”
Bryant has been on shaky ground in the race to keep afoot with popular colloquialisms since he graduated from the University of Chicago in 1989.“I knew I was in trouble when ‘da bomb’ and ‘no diggity’ came out,” he continued.“That was when I realized that these expressions were just making less and less sense.”In the past, Bryant had also expressed difficulties understanding phrases and terms such as, “up in my grill,” “bling-bling,” and “hella,” but, until Thursday, he had always expressed optimism for future understanding.
Recently, Bryant’s hopes had been buoyed by the heightened popularity of 70’s and 80’s fashion styles, but the crossover appeal of the decades’ respective slang expressions has proved minimal.
“I guess I’m just too old school for my own good,” Bryant said, head in his hands, after a long pause.
Bryant’s wife Julia later expressed relief at her husband’s abandoned crusade.“I know Gerry likes to try to stay up on things and keep pace with Sammie here,” Julia said in an after-dinner interview session over ice cream sundaes with herself and her daughter.“But there comes a point when a man just has to act his age.Do you understand how embarrassing it can be to have a 38 year old man ask for ‘more ketchup, G’ at Bennigan’s?Even if he was black, it would still be totally inappropriate.”
When asked for her appraisal of the situation, daughter Samantha courageously said what all others had been too shy to admit.“Daddy just totally dropped an f-bomb!That’s off the heezy, yo!”
For now, Bryant plans to revert to using only standardized dialect in his conversations.“I guess it’s time to get back to the good old King’s English,” he said perseverating in what was likely an unhealthy manner on the subject after dinner.Analysts, however, are not completely convinced and have some expectations for a reversion to the use of slang words like, “radical,” “keen,” and “boss,” with which Bryant is more comfortable.
[i]Washington, D.C.[/i] - With the Democratic National Convention behind them and the Republican National Convention only a few weeks away, the presumptive Republican ticket of George W. Bush and Dick Cheney has gotten into full swing for the campaign season. Among their many weapons which include the biggest war chest in campaign history, a slew of advertisements both positive and negative, and the most recent additions of Barbara and Jenna Bush, the President’s hip young daughters, perhaps their most potent armament is the “Bush Machine” itself.
Contrary to popular belief, the Bush Machine – or “Georgie Boy” as it’s affectionately known in the White House – is not just a clever metaphor, but is in fact a real machine. The device is an automaton which can serve as an effective stand-in for the real President Bush when important campaign rallies call him away from the often mundane work of running the most powerful nation in the history of the world.
Karl Rove, chief political strategist for the Bush administration, has expressed most emphatically how critical the role is that Georgie Boy has played, and will continue to play, in the Bush administration. “That sumvabitch [[i]sic[/i]] robot done saved us I don’t know how many times. An’ you gotta see that bastard out on the campaign trail. Nothin’ spells political smorgasbord like two $2500-a-plate fundraising dinners in the same night. Got-dayum [[i]sic[/i]]!”
Development of Georgie Boy began even before the President took office as a project run by the Halliburton subsidiary Brown & Root. Once in office, however, the administration handed the project over to NASA in order to speed progress on this all-important piece of political equipment. A fully-operational prototype was completed by the time of Mr. Bush’s first State of the Union address and beta testing began soon afterwards.
Over the last three years, Georgie Boy has been utilized in a multitude of situations: from boring state dinners at which little to no barbecue was served, to explaining Vice President Cheney’s safe-holding at an undisclosed location during times of national crisis. The most customary use of the android, however, can be seen most days during Mr. Bush’s 2-4 p.m. nap time. The machine has also proved invaluable in these times of international uncertainty.
“Save for fundraising events, at which the presence of the real President Bush is necessary to accurately portray his trademark and inimitable everyman-ness, the Bush Machine takes the place of the President in almost all public-speaking engagements these days,” explained National Security Adviser Condaleeza Rice. “It’s simply far too dangerous in the current atmosphere to have the President actually attending all of his own events. Perhaps when the national alert status returns to the safer marigold level. Luckily, we’ve been utilizing Georgie Boy for such a long time now that very few people actually seem to be able to tell the difference anymore.”
“Honestly, I don’t even know if I’m talking to the person or the robot half the time,” said Secretary of State Colin Powell. “It’s just an incredible likeness. I mean, sure, occasionally the thing slips up. Yesterday, for instance, we were having a discussion about the genocide taking place in Sudan and the thing just started spouting off this incredibly apt passage from Hegel’s [i]Philosophy of Right[/i]. We were all shocked for a second until we realized it was just Georgie boy. Dick [Cheney] was in the room and he was even taken aback. Sure, he tried to cover it up, but you could tell.”
“I guess our scientists are maybe a little [i]too[/i] smart,” said Powell.
President Bush is currently on the campaign trail, making a swing through the Midwest. Georgie Boy can be found warming seats, signing bills, and touting the advantages of a free-market based governmental health care system over the classic, “bureaucratic morass of inefficient, Marxist, left-wing programs. Let me tell you something about the opportunity costs of Socialism...”
[i]Boston, MA[/i] – The official nomination of Senator John Kerry (D-MA) as the Democratic candidate for the Presidency has generated intense excitement in the Kerry camp, in the Democratic National Committee (DNC) as a whole, and also in the media. The pervasive, gleeful attitude stems from the fact that Kerry will no longer need be referred to as the “presumptive” candidate. The change in title could prove the deciding factor in the outcome of a very close Presidential race.
“This couldn’t be more of a boon for us,” said Mary Beth Cahill, Kerry’s campaign manager. “That one word has been hanging over us like a black shroud of death, threatening to suffocate us all. Just listen to it: presumptive. It sounds like some kind of disease, and I’ve been in politics long enough to know that no one’s going to vote for a disease.”
The word does not, in fact, refer to virology or bacteriological strains of illness. From the Latin [i]praesumere[/i] meaning “to anticipate,” “presumptive” merely pointed to Kerry’s unofficial, albeit incontrovertible, status as the Democratic candidate for President until such time as the delegates of the Democratic National Convention conferred the official honor upon him.
Benign as the word may be, Cahill is not the only member of team Kerry whose hopes have risen with the drop of the qualifier. Sources report that even grassroots coordinators are, “thrilled,” “enraptured,” and “cautiously optimistic” about the transformation. One anonymous member even went so far as to say that the candidate’s entire strategy hinged upon the loss of the word. “Remember,” she said. “No presumptive candidate has ever won the White House.”
The buzz has even affected the normally sober news media. When Carl Kasell, announcer for NPR’s morning news program [i]Morning Edition[/i], was apprised of the news, he let out a resounding yell and nearly fell to the ground in hysterics. “You have no idea how hard this has been on me,” he said once he had regained his composure. “It was absolute torture for my thick, sonorous baritone. And the number of times it caught in my throat…I nearly choked to death one morning on that merciless word. Finally, my wife can sleep soundly again.”
CNN’s Wolf Blitzer also expressed relief. “Fantastic,” he said to long-time confidant Larry King, unaware of eavesdroppers. “Now we can stop avoiding Kerry stories. I was starting to get nauseous spending so much time reporting on [Vice President] Cheney. The way he just plows through those pig’s knuckles…God!”
On the other side of this pitched political battle, members of the Bush-Cheney campaign are dismayed about the boost the turn of events has given the Kerry-Edwards ticket in the polls. They vow, however, to remain steadfast in the face of this new adversity. “The President is still confident that he represents the best hopes the country has for prospering in the next four years, And he is confident that the American electorate agrees with him on this,” said White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan referring to presumptive Republican Party candidate President George W. Bush’s campaign for re-election.
[i]Woonsocket, RI[/i] – A recent town meeting was the scene of unexpected indifference Tuesday as local citizen Cynthia Kane stated that she had, “no opinion,” on virtually every aspect of current events. Kane—who was later revealed to be in attendance for the complementary brownies and fruit punch—was questioned thoroughly on topics ranging from the current war in Iraq, to the presidential race, to the new playground being installed at her daughter’s elementary school and could offer no substantive judgments whatsoever, causing severe eye-rolls and frustrated sighs from bystanders.
“I just hope you don’t think she’s a good representative of Woonsocket,” said Marjorie Donaldson spilling coffee as she attempted to pour herself a cup after the meeting at the refreshments table. “I have plenty of opinions, but does anyone ever talk to me? No. You [reporters] always seem to flock to her first, she gives our town a bad name.”
“That’s just Cynthia,” said casual acquaintance Mark Hobson. “She’s been like that since high school, about the only things she really seems to like are brownies. And maybe her husband and children.”
Sources say Kane, who was not voted most likely to do anything in high school, fell into apathy early in life, not evincing strong feelings as early as age two when she neglected to have a favorite stuffed animal, toy, or woobie. This behavior soon developed into a highly unremarkable childhood during which Kane’s parents and teachers hoped for signs of creativity and/or conviction, but saw none.
“It was like teaching a piece of plywood, only less interesting,” said 3rd grade teacher emeritus of Meadowbrook Elementary School, the Rt. Hon. John Sanders. “What was really eerie was the way she always got the same grade on everything she handed in: 75%. And not just in my classes, all the way through high school too. And you know, she didn’t even cry when we read [u]Charlotte’s Web[/u] in class? I’m quite certain she doesn’t have a soul.”
An adolescence fraught with a lack of emotional turmoil gave way to high school and college careers hardly worth commenting on. These were followed by Kane’s current trend of uninvolved adulthood, something which most pundits agree can only lead to a slow, steady, predictable decline into old age and enfeeblement. “Mrs. Kane will not be a septuagenarian whom people will want to emulate in their own autumn years,” said Dr. Thelma Blanch, Professor of gerontology at Brown University. “She will most likely be the older woman whose gaze and oxygen tank people try desperately to avoid. The type known in the field as ‘the grim spectre of death.’”
The people who know citizen Kane the best, her family, insist that she is a different person, “once you get to know her.” Her husband, David Kane, said through an obviously strained grin, “She’s just shy.” When pressed for further comment, he remembered a previous engagement which required the family’s immediate attention and rushed off.
In these days of heated emotions and polarized views, some suggest that Mrs. Kane’s indifference is a good thing. Ed Markey, a 1930’s-era Vaudvilleian, remarked, “A woman without an opinion? Why that’s harder to find than than buried treasure and twice as valuable! Way hey!”
[i]Los Angeles, CA[/i] – Incensed by the recent onslaught of no-holds-barred, sensationalist, raunchy, and poorly scripted reality television programming, Reality has brought a civil lawsuit against K. Rupert Murdoch, chairman and CEO of the News Corporation, and the Fox Broadcasting Company, its subsidiary, on grounds of libel. A statement released Friday reported that Reality is suing for an undisclosed amount in damages caused by, “unconscionable liberties taken by the Fox Broadcasting Company and the News Corporation with the name and notion of Reality and the hostile intent of defaming and discrediting said name.”
The statement, released by the law offices of Feingold, Feingold, and Partners, defines Reality in accordance with Webster’s Dictionary as, “something that is neither derivative nor dependent but exists necessarily.” It goes on to cite over 100 specific grievances, instances in which the reality programming produced by the Fox Broadcasting Company in the past three years has “blatantly and willfully spurned this definition.” The following are among the examples:
17.) Situations which would never, nor should they ever, arise in daily life. This includes, but is not limited to: a.) poor, unattractive women receiving free, state of the art plastic surgery and being lambasted for being unattractive afterwards, b.) people living in a tropical paradise with no rules or responsibilities yet still complaining about it, c.) the exploitation of William Hung’s vocal talents for profit.
53.) The creation of Ryan Seacrest from the mutated DNA of sterilized lab mice.
102.) Use of the caption “Slurp” in ambiguously sexual situations.
Murdoch is said to be in close consultation with his legal staff in hopes of raising a successful counter-suit. In a prepared statement, spokesperson Joe Millionaire II said, “We at Fox stand behind the quality of our programming and we are confident that any argument debating its high caliber and ethical standards will not hold water. Thank you, and why don’t you pick up a copy of the fourth season of [i]The Simpsons[/i] just released on DVD on your way out?”
An anonymous source close to Murdoch, however, raises doubts on this purported confidence. “Rupert is very troubled by the allegations, I haven’t seen him cry like this since he got bit by that dingo when he was 8.” The source went on to say that Murdoch has been overheard saying, “I will [rend Reality in twain with my bare hands]…and [slake my thirst on the blood]…of…[its children],” over and over again late at night.
Outside of the legal arena, however, fans of Fox television programs such as [i]Joe Millionaire[/i], [i]Temptation Island[/i], [i]Joe Millionaire II[/i], and [i]Temptation Island II[/i] have come out in full force to support their favorite shows. A recent rally outside the Fox lot in Hollywood, CA drew literally billions of people to the streets in protest of Reality’s claims. Carrying placards that read, “Vote Reality Off Reality TV!”, “Simon Says: Reality Sings Like A Drunk Toad!”, and “Reality, You Are The Weakest Link,” protesters thronged the streets from sunrise to sunset.
One of the marchers, Meredith Klump of Boston, MA, summed up the power that reality television holds over people saying, “If it wasn’t for reality television, I would have no reason to live. That’s a fact.” When asked if she would consider a murderous rampage as an outlet for her frustration should the lawsuit be decided in Reality’s favor, Klump replied, “Maybe.”
Despite overwhelming public outrage, Reality stands as firmly by its cause as Murdoch does. “Future generations will thank us for eliminating this foul scourge,” said representatives of Reality. “Rest assured, nothing less than the very fate of humanity rests on this lawsuit.”
Catch Fox’s latest reality TV masterpiece, [i]The Simple Life 2[/i], Wednesdays at 9/8 Central.
[i]Washington, D.C.[/i] – The latest speculation in the 2004 race for the presidency has centered directly on Democratic party presumptive candidate John Kerry’s presumptive nomination for his presumptive vice presidential running mate. Yesterday morning, all speculation was put to rest as Senator Kerry announced that he had offered the position to Senator John Edwards of South Carolina. While pundits had forecast a corresponding spike in poll numbers for Kerry, they were amazed to find outrage in one vital subsection of the electorate: the secret vote.
“Approval ratings from women, Latinos, homosexuals, even Republicans all shot up with the announcement,” said Kerry spokesperson Dana Chauncey. “But the secret vote’s rating dropped like nothing anyone’s ever seen.”
The secret vote – a bloc of voters made up primarily of conspiracy theorists, occultists, mumbling hermits, investment bankers, and Mel Gibson – saw its approval rating of Mr. Kerry fall from a robust 73% to just over 4% early Tuesday morning. Traditionally this group has voted strictly for non-incumbent candidates, and the same was expected of them in this year’s upcoming election. It appears now, however, that the Kerry campaign will have to do something drastic to regain the confidence of these voters.
Asked if she thought the campaign could recover from such a blow, Chauncey, sweat dripping off her brow, revealed only that, “we’re working aggressively on a strategy.”
One member of the bloc who would only give his name as Mr. X, said that Kerry had alienated his secretive constituency with the unsatisfying announcement of Edwards as his vice presidential nominee. “He turned a giant plot of fertile, rumor-growing soil into a wasteland of obvious conclusions. Really, what Americans does Kerry help by doing that?”
According to X, the rumors had been flying wildly. Potential running mates ranged from Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) to the obligatory Alien to a clone of Mr. Kerry himself, with very much variety in between. “My favorite was the one about Senator McCain,” said Mr. X’s wife, Mrs. X. “Now, most of our friends said that idea was far too pedestrian, but to me it held a certain laughable charm.”
Surprisingly, Kerry’s strongest competitor in the election, President George W. Bush, has not reaped much of the benefits of this latest swing – only gaining two percent of Kerry’s lost voters. “We couldn’t completely desert our core values,” said Mr. X. “Obviously, whoever is in office is covering up multitudes of high-grade secrets that the American public has a right to know. Area 51, the mole people, the true power of J.F.K.’s hair, they’re all kept under tight wraps – particularly in the current administration. No, we have to vote our optimistic consciences in the hopes that these and other sensational secrets will be revealed. We’re just lucky there’s a third candidate this year.”
Rather than putting their support behind President Bush, the secret bloc plans to endorse Independent candidate Ralph Nader. “Now there’s a man you can really wax paranoiac about,” said Mrs. X. “He doesn’t even have an official [i]party[/i] yet! And those shifty little eyes, they’re just precious.”
In an official statement, Nader commented excitedly on the great bolstering power the group’s endorsement had on his campaign which has been otherwise quiet of late. “See? See? I told you somebody would vote for me!”
[i]Alexandria, VA[/i] – Man, Brian "Guzzler" Jordan (47), announced recently that he will no longer respond to the name Guzzler or any of its derivatives, sources confirmed Saturday. In a conversation with local ABC affiliate 6 o'clock news cameraman, Ted Johnson, Jordan explained that, "I'm just getting too old for that, man."
Jordan had been known as Guzzler for the past twenty-seven years prior to his announcement. The name was first attributed to him during a late night get-together at the University of Virginia during which a fellow student remarked of him, "Look at him guzzle that shit! He's a guzzler, man!" By unanimous vote of those present, the name was immediately cemented as Jordan's primary sobriquet. Sources are still unclear as to what, exactly, Jordan was guzzling.
Although he only officially forsook the moniker within the past week, Jordan had expressed qualms about the nickname as far back as 1987 upon the birth of his first child, Brian "B.B." Jordan, Jr. "I guess I'm going to have to straighten myself up now," Jordan was heard to remark in the recovery room after the birth. "No more Guzzler, now it's Mr. Jordan." Friends report, however, that it was not until some years later that they began referring to Jordan as "Guzz" rather than "Guzzler."
"Yeah, most of us just felt it wasn't appropriate anymore once B.B. learned how to talk and started asking what a Guzzler was," said friend John Casper. "Brian never mentioned that it was a problem, though. Actually, he seemed to enjoy it."
The announcement came at a local barbecue of close friends. Jordan was approached several times throughout the evening and greeted as Guzzler or Guzz. Upon each such greeting, he reported his new outlook and suggested that friends now refer to him as either "Brian" or "Jordan."
Some suspect that coercion played a role in the decision. Mike "Hammerfist" Quigly suggested that, "It's all his wife, she's been bringing him down since the day they met. First it was no more drugs, not even pot, then he cut down on the beer, now I look at Guzzler and I don't even recognize him." Quigly, whose views on Jordan's wife Mary Jordan have long been apparent, has said that he plans to continue to use the name Guzzler in order to, "Piss the bitch off."
Mary Jordan is quite pleased about the decision, however she denies any involvement in the process. “This is something Brian just decided to do. Yes, I’ve been hoping that he would do it for a long time now, but I never explicitly pushed him and I only withheld sex once.”
While reactions did range from extreme disappointment to relief, the general response was one of moderate acceptance and most present acclimated quickly to the change. “Honestly, I’m glad he made the change,” said one acquaintance. “I didn’t even know his real name before this. Now that I do, I don’t have to be embarrassed about running into Bradley at the supermarket anymore and wondering if I should be calling him Guzzler or not outside of the context of alcohol.”
In a candid interview after the cookout, Jordan offered this insight: “You know, I’ve got my kids to think about now. I can’t be telling my 17 year old not to drink at these parties he goes to and then have someone say to me, ‘Hey Guzzler, here’s a cold brewski.’ That’s not cool, man.”
[i]Red Hook, NY[/i]-The comments of 15 year-old Randy Hartman in a recent session of Mrs. Tabitha Stevens' 10th grade English class have stirred high emotions among the staff and student body alike of Red Hook Regional High School.
Hartman, during a discussion of Mary Shelley’s [i]Frankenstein[/i] remarked, “This book is lame,” and “Frankenstein is lame, what a lame monster.” When corrected by Stevens, 57, that Frankenstein is the name of the creator rather than the monster, Hartman broke into a tirade of some seventeen minutes that comprised most of the rest of the class.
“He’s right you know,” said classmate Jennifer Flanders – a rising star in the school’s Drama Club, who has been described as “radiant” and “super-fine” – after class had been dismissed. “That book really is lame. I mean, I was glad Randy flipped out the way he did because I couldn’t even make it past the first twenty pages it was so boring.” The vigorous nodding of the group of young girls around Flanders is just one sign of the strong popularity of the feeling among students.
An anonymous honors student voiced similar opinions later in the day. “Honestly, the plot’s held together with scotch tape. The whole learning to read thing – come on, even Randy could do better than that. I like Mrs. Stevens and all, but the book really did kind of suck.”
[i]Frankenstein Or, The Modern Prometheus[/i] (1816) has long been hailed as not only a pillar of Romantic fiction, but also as a bedrock of the horror genre. The tale of a young scientist – Frankenstein – who gives life to a monstrous being, the novel follows the path of destruction the monster leaves in his wake upon the trauma of being greeted by humanity with nothing but fear and hatred. The monster has since become an icon of popular culture and even representative of the entire horror genre.
Mrs. Stevens stands by both her decision to assign the book and her love of it. “This book is anything but ‘lame,’” Stevens said. “Not only does it represent the culmination of the Prometheus archetype in Romantic literature, but it chills one’s bones to the very marrow, even today. Just listen to this: ‘It was already one in the morning; the rain pattered dismally against the panes, and my candle was nearly burnt out, when, by the glimmer of the half-extinguished light, I saw the dull yellow eye of the—’ Young man! Pay attention, please. To me, not Ms. Flanders, thank you. Young man, I’m talking to you, don’t walk away from me!”
The faculty of RHRHS stand just as firmly behind Mrs. Stevens as do the students behind Mr. Hartman. “Tabby is right for teaching this book,” said fellow English teacher Mr. Raymond Lapis. “It’s a bona fide classic, and it’s important that these kids learn a little bit about where they come from – even if they learn that life was so dull that a book like [i]Frankenstein[/i] could scare the bejeezus out of ninety-five percent of the population at the time.”
When asked about the appropriateness of a high school English teacher using the word, “bejeezus,” Mr. Lapis did not offer a response.
“I don’t know what that kid’s talking about,” remarked stereotypical physical education teacher Harold Roemer. “That movie almost made me piss my pants when I was his age. I saw it at the Bijou with this girl, Sarah Feinstein – oh wow, was she a fox. I’ll tell you what, that Frankenstein comes at me, I’m running like Randy Johnson just threw a dodge-ball at me. Maybe what Hartman needs is a good ball [-peen hammer, [i]sic[/i]] to the head, knock some sense into him.”
Relations between the students and faculty have not been this strained since the senior prank of 1987. “If they don’t do anything stupid, we won’t do anything stupid,” said head of the teacher’s union and chemistry teacher Susanne Goldman. With unknown sources reporting rumors of a planned, school-wide “Book Drop” for precisely 1:38 p.m. later today, however, one can only imagine the terrifying outcome of this sordid affair.
The very mature Jennifer Flanders will be starring as Eliza in the spring semester RHRHS production of [i]My Fair Lady[/i].
[u]Local Man Investigated for Being an "Unoriginal Bastard"[/u] [i]Boston, MA [/i]- An investigation is underway this week to probe the involvement of local man Matthew "Koz" Koskowski in, "Being an unoriginal bastard who hasn't come up with a new joke since 1992. And that one wasn't even good!"
Koskowski has recently launched a new "Fake News" initiative through his AOL Instant Messenger profile, something he believes promises to be both, "Funny [i]and[/i] misinformative." Others, however, have different opinions of the 23 year old's new venture.
Sources close to [i]The Onion [/i]and [i]The Daily Show [/i]- two reputable and longstanding fake news agencies - report heavy grumblings over Koskowski's latest attempts at humor. "This guy sucks. He's not funny, and he sucks, and we're going to show everyone just how much he sucks," said reporter who wishes to remain anonymous for security reasons, Jim Anchower from [i]The Onion's[/i] internet offices where he can be found Monday-Friday between 9 a.m. and 6 p.m.
Similar sentiments were echoed at the offices of [i]The Daily Show[/i]."First of all, he's giving fake news a bad name," [i]Daily Show [/i]correspondent Steve Carell said. "Second, it was our idea. This is copyright infringement of the worst kind, or at least plagiarism. I mean, right?"
Official representatives for Koskowski were unavailable for comment at the time of this filing, but friends, family, and co-workers alike have rushed to Koskowski's defense.
"This is such bullshit," friend David "Parillo" Parillo commented. "Koz is a great kid, so what if he busts out a few too many [i]Family Guy[/i] quotes, it makes me and [James] Wexler laugh."
Co-worker Meredith Klump made this admission: "I said Matt was hilarious once. I was trying to talk him up to this girl he likes - he's been pretty depressed and lonely lately, you know, he could use a little action. So, yeah, I told her that he was a great guy and really funny and stuff like that. I mean, it's not like it was a complete lie."
Koskowski's cousin, Mr. Mark Shook, was able to shed some light on the origins of this purported unoriginal bastardry. "See, we used to love [i]The Simpsons[/i] when we were younger," a statement from his New York office reports. "And we used to go around just banging off lines one after another after another - it was just what we did for fun. We could go on for hours like that, we loved it - "What's a battle?" "Did that boy just say 'What's a battle'?" "No he said, 'What's that rattle?' There must be a problem with the heating system." "I could have sworn he said, 'What's a battle?'" "Well, I've had a cold." "Oh, so you hear R's as B's?" "Yes." - The statement continues like this for some thirty-four pages.
[i]Daily Show[/i] anchorman Jon Stewart sees this statement as, "Just more fuel for the fire." Picking up a lead pipe and hefting it, Stewart continued, "We'll be ready. If we don't protect the name of good, fake news operations, who will?"
The proceedings of the inquiry are set to get underway at 7:30 a.m. E.D.T., June 14th in the parking lot outside 1381 Commonwealth Ave. as Koskowski walks unsuspectingly out to his car.