Couple new blogs on my myspace page: http://www.myspace.com/the_fresca_kid I’m not double posting only because I despise redundancy. Despise it.
[u]Four Dead In Tragic Collar-Popping Accident[/u]
[i]Boston, MA[/i] â€“ The scene outside Bostonâ€™s trendy nightspot The Liquor Store Saturday night was one of surprise and horror after a routine collar pop went horribly awry. The disturbing chain of events began when Tran Nguyen (27) of Brookline, who was on line to enter the establishment, attempted to flip the down-turned collar of his striped golf shirt up. It ended with the blood spattered corpses of three young men â€“ Nguyen among them â€“ and one young woman sprawled out on the sidewalk, their lifeless ears unable to hear the screams that echoed around them.
Details of the eveningâ€™s events are still sketchy at best. The few eyewitnesses at the scene were, understandably, too shaken up to be of much help to local police or journalists; most are currently undergoing psychiatric treatment for trauma. What is clear at this point is that Nguyen fatally injured himself while in the act of popping his collar. In an apparent effort to exhibit his prodigious machismo, the muscle-bound young man aggressively thrust his collar upwards, only to lacerate his nearby jugular vein with the metal-spiked wristcuff he was wearing.
Accounts vary, but the general outline of the events that followed has Nguyen falling on top of his female companion, Ms. Suzy Everheart (21), who he smothered with his massive pectoral muscles. Stories diverge drastically from this point forward.
One witness claims that Ms. Everheart, during her final throes of life, clawed out at the legs of those around her causing Mr. Juan Garcia (25) to trip and fall into Mr. Clint Heywood (23). Heywood (whose collar was also turned up) then set upon Garcia (who was wearing a shirt without a collar) presumably in retaliation to assumed aggression. This altercation quickly escalated into the brutal stabbing deaths of the two men.
Another prominent line of reasoning posits that Garcia, hearing the muffled screams of Ms. Everheart, attempted to pull her from underneath the considerable bulk of Nguyen, only to dislocate her shoulder. The sudden lack of tension caused him to fly backwards into Heywood. The scream that issued from him upon feeling Everheartâ€™s shoulder separate set off a stampede under which both Garcia and Heywood were trampled, multiple stiletto heels piercing both of their bodies.
There are other accounts as well, none of which are quite so plausible as the two mentioned above. Of course, at this point no reconstruction of the scene goes so far as to explain [i]why[/i] any of the young men in question would presume to pop their collars in the first place. The recent rash of upturned collars has caused many to question the fashion sense of todayâ€™s youth. Some have even alleged that Nguyen got no less than what he deserved. And, although the extreme view is offended to the point of callousness, perhaps after the tragic events of Saturday night, todayâ€™s youth will think twice before displaying such a reckless attitude toward their collars.
[u]Terrorists Win Worst Award[/u]
[i]Europe[/i] â€“ â€œSecret Organization Group al Qaeda Organization in Europe,â€ the group that perpetrated the tragic and senseless bombings that took place in London today has been awarded the title of â€œWorst Name for a Company or Organization for 2005.â€ This unexpected prize augments the already impressive rewards package that the group earned for todayâ€™s carnage which included the dumbfounded hatred of billions of people worldwide, a lifetime supply of living in dysenteric hovels and holes in refuge from international police forces, and a copy of the [u]Koran[/u] with all the bits about not killing people highlighted and double-underlined for the intelligence impaired.
The announcement of the award came early this year â€“ it is not usually handed out until the second week in December to allow for late entries. Bruce Javitt, founder and CEO of ThinkTank, Inc., the company that sponsors the award, cited special circumstances that led to todayâ€™s decision: â€œSeriously, have you read the name? It takes three passes just to wrap your head around the fact that the word â€˜Organizationâ€™ appears in it twice. Itâ€™s an astounding piece of verbal ineptitude, and none of us on the judging committee saw a way that anyone could surpass it by yearâ€™s end. In fact, weâ€™re thinking of instituting a decade-wide award next winter just so SOGaQOiE can get the recognition it deserves.â€
When asked if he foresaw any other groups topping this yearâ€™s winner during the rest of the decade, Javitt replied, â€œWell, there are certainly plenty of stupid people out there, and anything could happen. That said, these guys are really in a class of their own. Itâ€™s going to take a major effort to dethrone them.â€
Although the award has been officially announced, preparations have not yet begun for the 32nd annual Worst Awards ceremony. The gala will take place on the traditional January 2nd date and will include awards in categories ranging from â€œWorst Dressed,â€ to â€œWorst Sitcom,â€ and even â€œWorst Wurst.â€ In honor of Secret Organization Group al Qaeda Organization in Europe, the event will take place in the newly renovated concert hall at Britainâ€™s famous Scotland Yard. â€œWe hope that this great award will entice many, or even all, of the members of the Organization Group Organization to attend the ceremony. Judging by their name, we assume that at least some of them will be of the right mien to stop by.â€
–Best wishes, London, Baghdad, and anywhere else these people are lurking. Letâ€™s fight the Idiocy.
[u]Area Rug Ruined by Area Man[/u]
[i]Brooklyn, NY[/i] â€“ During a casual gathering of friends and acquaintances held last Friday evening by James Ignazio and Paul Hampden, area man Ryan Cloverleaf (24) spilled multiple beverages, and later vomited on, an area rug in the common space of the Cobble Hill apartment. The heavy staining and resulting noxious stench have ruined the beige 9â€™x6â€™ rug for future use. Sources within the apartment cited over-exuberance for tequila shots as well as a heavy pre-party regimen of marijuana and corn chips as the likely roots of Cloverleafâ€™s unusually erratic behavior.
Cynthia Mason, a friend of Ignazioâ€™s from college whose hobbies include horseback riding and quilting, was seated next to Cloverleaf at the time of the first spill. â€œRyan was drinking a rum and [cola-flavored soda beverage], and I guess he was already a little out of it, because when everyone started laughing at John Goodman yelling at Steve Buscemi in [i]The Big Lebowski[/i] he spun away from his conversation to see what the fuss was about and ended up throwing the rest of his drink all over the carpet. Of course, everyone just started laughing harder once we realized the irony of the situation, and I think someone actually came out and said â€˜man, that rug really tied the room together,â€™ but I donâ€™t think anyone would have laughed if weâ€™d known what was in store for us later on.â€
As the evening progressed, Cloverleaf reportedly continued consuming alcoholic beverages at regular intervals to the point that he was visibly staggering and had to lean heavily upon furniture and other guests for support. At one point, as he was seated next to John Sebastian â€“ Goucher College graduate, class of 2002 and backgammon enthusiast â€“ and swaying gently back and forth, he began to pour his drink onto the floor without realizing it. â€œI had to stop him, take his cup and put it on the table,â€ said Sebastian. â€œIt didnâ€™t even register when I told him what he had been doing. He just gave this sort of confused smile and went back to staring at nothing. That was when I realized that the night probably wasnâ€™t going to end well for Ryan.â€
By the time guests began to make their ways back home, Cloverleaf was judged by his hosts to be in no shape to venture into the streets of the city alone so they allowed him to remain where he was: unconscious and face-down on the living room rug. â€œAt the time,â€ said Ignazio, â€œwe thought he would just sleep it off. We began preparing for his hangover, but while we were discussing where to go out for breakfast in the morning, we heard him start to retch. Before we knew it, there was Ryan lying in a pool of his own discolored vomit in the middle of the floor. We took a couple of pictures, and then dragged him into the bathtub. By that point, there wasnâ€™t much we could do about the rug.â€
When reached for comment, Cloverleaf said, â€œWell, I guess the lesson I learned here is that my actions donâ€™t really have consequences as long as I can pay for the damages. And since my parents are pretty rich, Iâ€™d say thatâ€™s an important lesson.â€ Indeed, Ignazio and Hampden reported that they were initially â€œdisappointedâ€ by Cloverleafâ€™s behavior, but their spirits were raised the next morning when Cloverleaf offered to pay for a new rug as well as the two young menâ€™s breakfasts. Onlookers observed the three joking and laughing yesterday as they traveled to a local Home Depot in search of a new floor covering.
Flagrant Self Service: Get (me) a free iPod! Here: http://www.freeiPods.com/?r=18663713
New article coming soon, promise.
[u]Goose Missing, Men Vow Revenge[/u]
[i]Lexington, MA[/i] â€“ Some three weeks ago, the residents of 309 Marrett Rd. were surprised to discover that their prized lawn ornament goose had disappeared without a trace. Assuming that they had been the victims of a malicious act of thievery, the men brought the incident to the attention of the local constabulary, only to be brusquely turned out with not one word of encouragement after filing their report. With no progress from the police since the time of the initial visit and no serious replies to their offer of a beer-flavored reward for the safe return of the goose, the men of 309 Marrett Rd. have decided to take things into their own hands.
At a press conference held earlier today, Stefano â€œSteveâ€ Mineo announced the change in strategy as the unofficial spokesperson of the household known for its zany lifestyle and associations with Neil Diamond and various Latino firefighters. â€œHey, we just want our goose back. If itâ€™s on our doorstep tomorrow, everybody wins, no questions asked. But to whoever committed this heinous act, know that this is your last chance: return the goose peacefully, or we will find you and we will rain down almighty vengeance upon you.â€
Mineo revealed that the self-proclaimed â€œMarrett Menâ€ have narrowed their search down to a few suspects, but in the interest of maintaining the integrity of the ongoing case, he would not elaborate further. Another member of the household, however, did.
Brett â€œSiggyâ€ Sigworth, in return for a bribe of some small trinkets and baubles, told this reporter that, while the initial suspect was David â€œDarillaâ€ Parillo â€“ himself a member of the house, known for his penchant for borrowing things and also for his tendency to forget that he had borrowed things â€“ the Marrett Men have since turned their attention to their erstwhile friends known simply as â€œElko.â€
Elko, so named for the street on which they live, consists of Matthew â€œKozâ€ Koskowski, Nathan â€œRellishâ€ Kellish, James â€œBengisâ€ Wexler and Julia â€œJuâ€ Elder. Elko have maintained their innocence since they first found out about the tragedy, issuing numerous appeals for the Marrett Men to listen to reason. These have come to little avail, however, and have in fact only elevated suspicions.
â€œOh, it was definitely Elko,â€ said Marrett Man Chris â€œBeaverâ€ Goscinski, echoing the sentiments of Sigworth after the conference. â€œAnd those bastards are going to get it. Weâ€™ve got plans, just you wait.â€
None of the housemates would give away any details as to what those plans might be. The closest anyone came was during Tim â€œToolmanâ€ Trainorâ€™s brief insane screams at the microphone, channeling what appeared to be dialogue from an old Ren and Stimpy cartoon:
â€œWe Louts are angry! We are [i]sore[/i]! Matt Koz and Wexler cheated! Next time we see you guys, itâ€™ll be in the street! Weâ€™ll break your bones. Weâ€™ll grind you into putty. Weâ€™ll tear your faces off! You havenâ€™t heard the last of us. This is war! We are generals, you are the enemy! Beware Matt Koz! Beware Kellish! We know where you live, we know where your parents live! We will have our [i]revenge[/i]!!â€
As those around him attempted to subdue Trainor, he grew more animated and began to gesticulate wildly, continuing, â€œNo! I wanna holler the loud, funny words! I like Darren, he is my friend! I like you, [i]and[/i] him! He likes me! And I like him! He likes you! [i]IHOP[/i]!! I like his autograph! It is a nice picture! He is [i]NICE[/i]!!â€ Once calm had returned to the room again, Trainer gave only the cryptic explanation, â€œIâ€™m a wooden boy,â€ before leaving the podium.
Following Trainorâ€™s bizarre outburst, the remaining residents of 309 Marrett Rd. â€“ excepting David â€œKahnâ€ Kahn who was away vacationing in Maine and unavailable for comment â€“ each said a few words expressing their hopes for the safety of the goose and their wishes for its speedy return.
In a final, heartfelt plea for mercy, Parillo took the podium carrying a hollow, plastic penguin. â€œWhoever did this,â€ he said, his words ringing clear into the Lexington morning. â€œI beseech you. Look into the eyes of this penguin and feel the sorrow that he feels. You know as well as we do that a Beaver is no partner for a penguin. A penguin needs a goose. Reach deep inside your heart and find the warmth that rests there; bring this penguin back his goose. Please.â€
Only time will tell what becomes of the poor goose. If you have any information pertaining to its whereabouts, please contact the Marrett Men or the Lexington Police Department as soon as is humanly possible.
[u]Scientists: â€œFamous People Die Tooâ€[/u]
[i]Baltimore, MD[/i] â€“ Scientists wearing glasses and lab coats at the Center on Aging and Health at Johns Hopkins University announced today that they have proven that, no matter the level of celebrity a person has attained, famous people die too. â€œThis is a sad day for famous people everywhere,â€ said one researcher who is not famous. â€œBut the truth must be told. We hope that these data will help all famous people cope with the struggle that they now know lays before them.â€
The research staff acknowledged that recent events emphasizing human mortality played a large part in the findings. The recent rash of deaths of famous and very-famous people such as ex-president Ronald Reagan, comedian Mitch Hedberg, and Pope John Paul II provided important support to the hypothesis.
While the scientists had a wealth of information to cull from the daily obituaries, TV news magazines, and supermarket tabloids, the case that put the final nail in the coffin was the death of someone who began her journey into the hereafter as a not very famous person at all: Terry Schiavo.
â€œThe Schiavo case,â€ one researcher remarked, â€œpresented an amazing confluence of events. It was an instance in which a woman was not only stuck between life and death, but one which pitted opposing sides, actively pushing her towards either end, against each other. And then things really heated up when Congress and the media got involved. It was at that point that Terry Schiavo became a legitimately famous person.â€ Monitoring events closely, the research team was able to put together the closing arguments of their thesis based on Terry Schiavoâ€™s fate.
â€œJust look at the situation: a woman achieves fame through the battle over her continuing survival. Now, if it was true that famous people do [i]not[/i] die, the end result would have been the re-insertion and continued use of her feeding tube, thus prolonging her life nigh indefinitely. Today we know that even fame was not enough to help her outrun death, nor would it be for anyone. These are facts that we scientists can no longer dispute.â€
The research presented strikes a resounding blow in a debate that has long raged in the scientific community. â€œThereâ€™s string theory, nature/nurture, and then famous people,â€ one scientist explained. â€œSpecifically, are famous people better than non-famous people? And if so, how much better are they?â€ He went on to add with a little grin that was so smug â€“ ooh you can just tell heâ€™s so jealous â€“ â€œWith research like this, weâ€™re beginning to blur the line between fame and obscurity.â€
The current research will appear in an upcoming edition of the journal [i]Star Magazine[/i], but the team does not plan on stopping there. In an attempt to further examine the effects of fame on reality, the researchers will next ponder the age-old question: do famous people actually get fat?
[u]Local Rock-Paper-Scissors Champion De-Throned[/u]
[i]Mont Pelier, VT[/i] â€“ Pine Tree elementary school was the site Thursday of the unseating of reigning rock-paper-scissors champion George Roberts of the 5th grade by upstart 4th grader Seth Johnson. In a rochambeau for the ages, Johnson and Roberts were pitted against each other in a best 2 out of 3 contest throughout most of recess before Johnson finally emerged victorious with a cunningly timed rock to beat Robertsâ€™s scissors.
The duel began, as many expected it would, with Roberts gaining an early advantage. After both competitors threw rock on the first turn, Roberts followed up with a paper to cover Johnsonâ€™s second round rock. After the quick start, however, the challengers settled in to what would become an epic series of doubles.
â€œAfter that first quick loss, I knew I was in trouble,â€ said Johnson after the match. â€œBut I just took a deep breath and tried to let my training take control over my consciousness.â€
Indeed both Johnson and Roberts seemed to enter trance-like states for most of the battle, their eyes barely open, bodies still and relaxed save for their pumping fists. Spectators later described the sight as â€œawe-inspiring,â€ and â€œpretty neat.â€ Dana Sedgewick, a 5th grader and Robertsâ€™s alleged girlfriend, had a vantage point virtually right on top of the action and perhaps summed it up better than anyone. â€œIâ€™ve never seen anything like it. It was more than rock-paper-scissors; it was art â€“ a masterpiece.â€
After Robertsâ€™s second throw victory, both competitors threw scissors, then rock, scissors, scissors, paper, scissors, paper, paper, rock and scissors as the contest entered a streak of 327 consecutive draws. The next score was set up when Johnson and Roberts both simultaneously employed the Bonetti series â€“ named after Charlie Bonetti, a 19th century rock-paper-scissors master, this is a complex pattern of 43 sequential throws designed to throw oneâ€™s opponent off balance. Both Roberts and Johnson appeared to notice the strategy of the other 11 throws into the series as they both diverted from the scripted 12th throw of paper and each threw scissors instead. This led to 31 playful draws that brought smiles to Robertsâ€™s and Johnsonâ€™s faces and consisted of precisely the opposite throws of those prescribed by the Bonetti defense. Once the altered series was completed, the amazing run was finally broken up 10 throws later following draws of paper, paper and scissors when Johnsonâ€™s further scissors cut Robertsâ€™s paper.
After a short break in the action punctuated by the amazed gasps of the audience, the opponents played out a thrilling series not likely to be repeated of no less than 546 draws, the highlight of which was a mind-bending set of 22 straight rocks followed by 3 papers, 2 scissors and a further 12 rocks.
The contest finally concluded on the 876th throw. Following draws of scissors, scissors, scissors, rock, paper, scissors and paper, Robertsâ€™s scissors was defeated by Johnsonâ€™s rock which Johnson immediately thrust into the air as a proclamation of victory. The opponents then looked to each other and embraced in a show of sportsmanship rarely seen in this day and age.
Afterwards Roberts, whose win streak of 657 matches had come to an end, remarked that, â€œafter a match like that, youâ€™re just proud to have been a part of it. Sure Iâ€™m disappointed with the loss, but that was one for the record books.â€ When asked about the possibility of a rematch, Roberts replied thusly: â€œThereâ€™s plenty of time for a rematch. Right now I just want to spend some time with my family and regain my focus.â€
Johnson for his part was magnanimous, extolling the virtues of his competitor only moments after defeating him. â€œGeorge is a great role model of mine. Just the chance to be able to compete with him was an honor. I only hope that Iâ€™m up to the task of following in his footsteps as Pine Treeâ€™s champion.â€
The school was abuzz with news of Johnsonâ€™s victory for the rest of the afternoon, and will likely be talking about the momentous contest at least until next monthâ€™s tetherball tournament begins.
[u]President Promises Aid to Alaskaâ€™s Wildlife[/u]
[i]Washington, D.C.[/i] â€“ The Senate earlier this week, by a 51-49 vote, passed a provision to the nationâ€™s budget proposal that will allow industry to explore the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge as a potential source for oil. At a press conference afterwards, President Bush lauded the vote as an important step toward both American energy independence and also the democratization of Alaskaâ€™s wildlife.
The public has long been aware of the Presidentâ€™s enthusiasm for this project as a means to enhance U.S. standing in relation to other oil-producing nations such as Russia and the members of OPEC. The second of the Presidents assertions, that increased oil production would â€œfree indigenous Alaskans from a tyrannical regimeâ€ took the media in attendance by surprise and was, therefore, the focus of most of the briefing. The President spent some time elaborating on his comments, but noted that an official White House release would be forthcoming.
â€œFor too long has Alaska been Americaâ€™s bastard son, ignored in the cold wastes of the north, left to fend for itself. Today we press forward on the path of the legitimization of our largest state. The many tribes of the Alaskan refuge have long needed a powerful symbol to gather around, to give them a sense of community, a sense of purpose. I say to you, oil will be that symbol.
â€œThe oil that will be extruded from beneath Alaskan soil â€“ weâ€™re talking up to 1 million barrels a day, people. Thatâ€™s a lot of trips to Wal-Mart and back. This oil will be a beacon, a light to guide Alaska and America into the future.â€
The President continued by outlining potential benefits to the state and country including an extensive profit-sharing plan that would involve, not only the Alaskan citizenry, but also the Alaskan wildlife itself.
â€œThanks to their great sacrifice, the many inhabitants of the Alaskan Wildlife Refuge will all enjoy discounted gas prices for as long as they should choose to make their homes in the confines of the reserve. This includes fuel for the park rangers to travel across the many miles of the refuge, managing and protecting it. It includes the population of mighty beaver who will now be able to forego the destruction of their teeth and instead use gas-powered chainsaws in the construction of their majestic dams. And donâ€™t forget the powerful grizzly bears. Their humorous miniature cars have been on blocks for too long. With the new supply of oil, they can afford to put those cars back on the road and drive them to the tune of whatever circus-themed song they choose. Yes, all will reap the vast benefits of this program.â€
The President went on like this for some forty-five minutes, promising ends to the plights of â€œdisenfranchised caribou and disillusioned wolverines.â€ His ambitious plan also includes tax revenues which will be collected from sales of the Alaskan oil and funneled back into local economies to fund public works and â€œto bring schools of salmon up to speed on â€˜No Child Left Behind.â€™â€ The design for the commemorative Alaska quarter was also revealed as picturing an arctic hare giving the thumbs up sign while posing among a field of oil wells.
The President also commented that, though the process of restructuring the Alaskan Refuge is â€œa process,â€ and as such it will take some time for these plans to come to fruition, once in full effect they will offer the Alaskan populace a sense of unity that they never experienced under the former, oil-less regime.
When a reporter for the [i]Los Angeles Times[/i] pointed out that the wildlife in question may not enjoy the described benefits as thoroughly as the President asserted they would, President Bush replied, â€œListen, Jerry. Why donâ€™t you go try to gnaw down one of those trees on the White House lawn and weâ€™ll see how long it is before youâ€™re gassing up [i]your[/i] chainsaw.â€ The press conference was concluded after the laughter had died down and the reporters had forgotten what the question was.